the ugly.

today i am feeling a lot of the 'ugly' things.

though, grief, truly isnt ugly.  in fact, its a beautiful and healing process.  a necessary process.

but today i dont feel anything beautiful about it.  i just feel sad.  and a little angry.  and, on top of all of that, wildly (and potentially irrationally) guilty.

i feel guilty about my grief, more often than not.  i feel guilty when i feel so SAD, like i do right now.  because its such a deep and all over sadness.  and i feel TERRIBLE being so sad when i have this beautiful, healthy, amazing little bundle of joy right in front of me.

granted, they are two unrelated things.  and when i look at bella, i am so happy.  and when i think about her and talk to her, i am over the moon happy.  but when im sitting at home at night, while mike is at work and im all alone, im just alone* (with bella) and my sadness.

and im not sad in a way that makes me ignore or neglect her, of course.  im not sad in a way that makes me not want to talk to her, or play with her, or hold and snuggle her (those moments are the highlight of my day) .... and trust me, we do a LOT of snuggling...but its not the same as talking to another adult.  or sitting alone and crying.

i feel like when im home alone with her i am not quite in the place where ive been cheered up, or even distracted, enough to be in a good mood.  but im not so sad that im actually feeling the extent of my grief or sadness.  i dont cry.  i just feel down.

we talk and laugh. she eats.  we snuggle.  and then she sleeps and i think about gram, and miss her.  i get teary-eyed, but dont really let myself cry.  now (finally) im starting to write again.  bella gets up and i change her, talk to her, play with her.  she lights up my life by smiling and cooing at me (its so amazing!) she eats.  we snuggle.  she goes back to sleep and im back to feeling bummed.  i try to get a few things done, but its night time.  its cold and dark out.  im sad and not feeling overly motivated.  i try to write.  to get the feelings out.  i work on my book a little.  i spend a lot of time missing my husband.

mike comes home and i feel guilty (again).  he's been so amazing though every shitty thing that has happened, and been so amazing through welcoming home our darling little girl and transitioning to fatherhood.  im so impressed.  and i feel terrible that he has had to do so much in the way of taking care of me - physically after my csection.  emotionally after my csection.  physically when i got sick.  emotionally when gram got sick and then passed (and still).  i feel like im putting him through a lot.  he tells me im being silly and says thats what hes here for.  i believe him.  i just want to feel better.

ive been saying that for weeks.  about twelve weeks, to be exact.

'i just want to feel better.'

before bella was born and my feet were swollen and purple and i could hardly walk, i just said, 'i just want to have her, i want to feel better.'

when i was recovering from surgery, trying hard to just walk down the hall in the hospital, i said it again, 'i just want to feel better enough to walk down the hall.'

when i was struggling with the 'baby blues' and didnt know how to shake it i kept saying to mike, 'i just want to feel better.'

when i was laying in bed, under five blankets, shivering with a fever and searing pain in my stomach, i said it to mike again, 'this sucks, i just want to feel better.'

and with every day that has passed, i have felt better.

after gram passed, and every sad day since, i have said the same thing, 'i just want to feel better.'

i know that its coming and im looking forward to the day that i look back and say, 'its finally getting better'  because it is, little by little, every day.  until then i am just going to keep pressing on.  keep looking at my beautiful baby girl and my wonderful husband and let them light up my life.  because they do.


xo.

m.