and a personal trait that i am sorely lacking. i do things quickly. i like things to be done quickly. when i decide i want something, i want to go get it n o w. when i know something is on its way, i want it yesterday. part of this i chalk up to just being a 'high energy' person. part of it i blame on my job and my addiction to coffee and coffee related things. i like to move fast. i like using all the hours in my day for SOMETHING. i hate to sleep.
i have always always been like this, since i was a child. and throughout my life, there have been MANY things that have come along that have tried my patience, tested it, and taught me how to have it.
ive learned to be emotionally patient. ive learned to be patient with others. i have no problem waiting in lines or waiting for meals. i can order a book in the mail and not be at the mailbox the next day, expectant. ive learned to do these things pretty gracefully. ive even learned to be patient with my body through all the sickness and medical problems and dieting and exercising (when it didnt work) and to keep looking, pushing, waiting, and healing until it made sense and started to function properly.
all in all, im pretty proud of the level of patience ive achieved.
but, with all that being said, im still one of the most impatient people i know. i cant crochet anything bigger than a headband (i get bored). i cant sit in the bathtub for more than 20 minutes. (again, bored.) i can hardly sit still to watch a movie. i dont have the patience required for RPGs that my friends and family seem to enjoy. i am not the kind of person that can sit at home and do nothing all day very often...
and where my patience is sorely, SORELY lacking is when it comes to waiting for something that i really really want.
like - a new book or movie to come out in a series i love...or a vacation...or...say...a BABY!?
as if being pregnant for nine months (read: more like ten) isn't long ENOUGH...this end part is the WORST joke ever played on an impatient person.
first of all - let me tell you how weird it is to feel like time is FLYING by (is the nursery done, i cant believe we only have x weeks left, make sure we get this this and this, ohmygosh its my shower already, do we have everything we need, did we remember to do this and call them and find a doctor, etc) to coming to a complete and utter C R A W L about two weeks before the baby is due. its a strange sensation. couple that with my loathing for surprises and its a MADDENING sensation.
it doesnt help that the doctor took me out of work (at starbucks) 6 weeks ago because of the crazy amount of pain and contractions that i was having and we were a little concerned about the possibility of preterm labor.
now, that seems like a joke.
a cruel joke.
here we are, three days past my due date and it feels like nothing is EVER going to happen. i feel like im going to be pregnant FOREVER.
now i know, i know. most first babies are late. most of my friends carried their first babies anywhere from seven to ten days past their 'due dates'. i also know that due dates are NOT accurate as to when the baby will ACTUALLY be born, they're a rough estimate and pregnancy length is not "exactly forty weeks" its more like "roughly 280 days, give or take" - and those few days of give and take can feel like they add up to YEARS at the end of a pregnancy.
for me, it certainly does.
i know a lot of that has to do with all of my (aforementioned) serious lack of patience. and my excitement to meet this little girl who ive been waiting for, for 36 long weeks. but there are some other factors in the mix that are making this feel like an excruciatingly long wait.
first - the fact that my mom had all her babies early. at least 2 weeks early with all four of us. so, at 37 weeks, when i was considered full term, everyone started to get antsy and expectant. myself included. the closer and closer we got to my due date, the more people ask me (every single day) "so, did ya have that baby yet? what's taking her so long?" and while i SO love my family and friends, and while im asking myself the exact same thing every day, it gets hard to constantly have to say, 'no, not yet.' because its a little discouraging, just because I WANT HER NOW!! :) but what i have really got to try to remember (and kindly remind) is that she's ONLY three days overdue, which isn't even considered overdue at all (no matter HOW it feels) and that i am not going to be pregnant forever (are you sure?!).
second - the fact that ive been out of work for six weeks at starbucks and going on two weeks at GPA. i know i needed to stop working on my feet when i did, but it has really made this process seem longer because ive had less to do, espeically since i stopped working altogether (because i have, in fact, been having "real" contractions that hurt and happen every five minutes for up to three or four hours at a time. and because im not up to driving 20 minutes by myself or potentially being alone in the studio if i go into labor, in snow hill...the idea of that stresses me out.) not to mention my feet are SO swollen i can hardly walk, even if i elevate and ice them.
third - having fibromyalgia. and this is an aspect of my pregnancy i havent really talked about a whole lot. as anyone who has it or anyone who knows someone with it knows, its awful. its painful, its frustrating, its just an all around suck fest. however, after a lot of hard work the last two years, i have to consider myself exceptionally lucky to have found a way to manage it and i found myself in remission from most of my symptoms. becoming pregnant changed that, little by little. its definitely the kind of stressor that can cause symptoms to re-emerge, and it has, though i still consider myself very lucky - my morning sickness was mild, i worked on my feet through almost my whole pregnancy, i had hardly any swelling *until now*, i never felt (or hopefully acted) too hormonal or irrational, etc etc etc. even with the awful, raging heartburn i had every single day, i figure i didnt fare to poorly on the pregnancy scale. its only been these last two weeks that have been really REALLY challenging. my joints ache all over, not just the ones carrying extra weight. i can't sleep properly (yes, part of that is being HUGE and uncomfortable, but the other part is a fibro symptom). its hard to walk or sit or stand any way for very long...and im really starting to feel a strain on my body in a way im sure most mothers are familiar with. and then there are these few things that i think are probably less related to by mothers and more to fellow fibro sufferers. and that makes me want this pregnancy to be over, like yesterday. because it hurts. and its exhausting. i couldnt "walk this baby out" (or scrub my kitchen floor, or do any of the other things they recommend to help start labor) if i wanted to, because i cant be on my feet that long. but if i sit too long, that hurts...
its just been a trying two weeks. and i feel like im becoming a little whiny about the whole thing...like when people ask, 'how are you today?' ... my response is usually, 'meh' because i dont feel good, times two, on top of all the regular excitement and anticipation and, well, impatience.
so, i hope my friends and family are not getting irritated with my blase mood or the fact that i dont really want to go anywhere and do anything, unless im going to labor and delivery to have this baby. and i dont want anyone to think im aggravated with them for asking how im doing, or if the baby is here yet, etc etc. i love that people care and are interested and that bella is going to be so loved and adored. im just aggravated about how im feeling and the fact that there's little else to be done besides waiting it out - which challenges all the patience i have. and lack.
to get me out of my funk today, mike took me for a drive to my favorite place. my calm, centering, thinking place. camera in tow..
and though that was hard on my body, it definitely helped my mood. <3
xo.
m.
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