just believe, kid.

sometimes, being a grown up sucks royally.

sometimes, life tests your faith.

i guess that's why they call it faith, anyway.

i've always been able to look at my life and see it full of countless blessings, even though to another person it may not look like very much.  i have been abundantly blessed.  i have a wonderful family, fantastic friends.  i have a beautiful daughter who is the literal light of my life.

i live by the idea that money isn't everything.  that the most important things arent really things.  that everything happens for a reason.

but sometimes, i just get down.

things right now are so tough and there are so many decisions to  be made.  how to handle "XYZ" and this thing over here and this other thing too. also, you're health is proving to be a real challenge lately.  you work but you have nothing to show for it. you keep pushing hard but you keep falling flat on your face.

so. many. things.

and they all weigh on me, so heavy.

making me feel guilty, confused, and afraid.  making me feel a little (more) sick. making me feel like i dont know anything about anything. making me feel like all i do is make wrong decisions.  

and i feel like i dont want to be a grown up and i feel like a little kid all at once.

and i feel like i have faith that "it will all work out." like i always have, but i feel like my faith is frayed around the edges.  i feel like its worn thin in parts.

i feel like the one place where i should be like a child is in my faith and its the one place i dont remember how to be.

i know, in my gut, the things i want to do. the things that i think are 'right' choices, but it becomes so hard to follow that gut when i fear that i could potentially put someone out or compromise anything ive worked hard for.  THIS is where i should have real faith.  childlike faith.  the kind of faith that just really believes.

just believe.

it sounds so simple, but the older we get, the harder it gets.

thats the real lesson anyway, isn't it.  to learn to believe like a child while still having the wisdom, experience, jadedness, and fears of an adult.

'have a little faith.  just believe.'