part 1: labor and delivery.

its december 8th.

holy cow.

i can hardly believe that.

i remember sitting at home on november 17th, watching tv and playing tetris with mike.  i wasnt feeling great, i had a backache but for the first time in almost two months i wasnt having contractions.  at all.  and i started thinking, you know what, im probably never going to have this baby.

i got up around ten thirty because i was tired of sitting around all day/night not feeling good.  i walked around for a few, started cleaning the house and then just stood in front of the sink and leaned over a little to take some pressure off of my back, which was really starting to hurt.

mike came and stood behind me and started rubbing my back a little and i said, "lets clean the house." and he laughed at me - i always want to clean the house if im feeling antsy - and said ok.

and then, my water broke.

i remember just saying "ew."

mike asked me what was wrong and i laughed, said ew again, and then turned around and looked at him and said "we're having a baby."


so i called my mom to let her know, after all her 'today will be the day, i hope's, that it was FINALLY time.   when she asked  what i was doing and if we were already on our way i  told her i was going to take a shower first.  she told me that might not be a good idea and i should hurry because labor was well under way but i still wasn't having contractions and i NEEDED a shower because, like i said, ew.

so i showered quickly and put on clean clothes and off we went to the hospital.  by the time we got there i was DEFINITELY having contractions, but not like any of the contractions i'd had before.  these were only in my back, specifically in my tailbone and they hurt.  a lot.

so we got to the hospital.  i got admitted.  i saw a nurse.  i saw a doctor.  i was 2 cm dilated.  i asked for epidural.

fifteen minutes later in walks the man to stick the needle in my back.  and he had to do it twice.  the first time he got it in the wrong spot.  and let me tell you how much i didnt care how many times he had to do it, it still hurt less than the contractions.

i remember looking at him after he was finished and saying, 'i love you. i bet all the women in this bed say that to you.'

and i bet they do.

so then we just waited.  my contractions were strong and frequent.  i dilated to 4cm pretty quickly.  and then we stalled.  and it was morning.  and then it was ten am.  and nothing was happening.  so then came the pitocin. evil number one that i did NOT want.  they were hoping it would help me progress.  but it didnt.

so dr evans came in and said, 'i dont like how this is looking.  that baby is still pretty high up.  we will give it some time and then we may have to do a csection.'

enter evil number two that i did NOT want.  : /

at one o'clock dr evans came back and said, 'lets do it.' and that was that.  i was whisked down to the OR.

heading to the OR was terrifying.  i havent had surgery since i was 4 and i have a phobia of surgery as it is.  im one of those crazies who is afraid of being able to feel everything...although i guess with a csection i would at least be able to SAY if i could feel something.

there were about 15 people in the OR when we got there.  doctors and nurses.  two hilarious anesthesiologists.  my husband.  i think some med students.

from the time we got into the OR until the time bella was actually born was about twenty minutes, max.  it was so fast.

dr evans said to me right before he delivered her, 'most csection babies dont cry right away because they havent had the journey through the birth canal to force all the fluids out of them, so dont worry if she doesnt cry right away, its ok.'

then, out she came.  with a big cry and eyes wide open!  and she was perfect.  and relatively pink.  and huge.  and wonderful.  the nurse actually walked around the drape and showed her to me before taking her to get weighed, measured, etc. because she was so alert and breathing well.  they showed her to me and i remember thinking how amazing and beautiful she was.  and also thinking that she was really big and that her head was huge!

while dr evans was stitching me up, mike brought bella over to me and she was crying.  he put her next to my head and started talking to her and she stopped crying immediately and just listened to me.  it was pretty amazing.

she's the most wonderful thing.

xo.

   m.

next:  part 2: postpartum. 

insight.

'patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.'   (jean-jacques rousseau)


i imagine when i type this, or when someone reads it, the assumption will be that im saying that this waiting game is the pits but that having my little baby in my arms will make it all worth it.

while that sentiment is definitely true, this morning, my meaning is a little different.

sometimes i'll hear, see, read, or find something out of the blue that speaks to me in such a powerful way that it literally changes my whole life.  one little grain of knowledge or realization that teaches me something, awakens something in me, and somehow changes the course of my life, if only imperceptively to others - to me, its relevant and life changing.

this morning i heard something so simple.  it wasn't new information and wasn't quite ground breaking, but it struck a chord with me and it spoke to an area of my life that i have been trying to figure out, trying to make the right choices, trying to get all the information that i could.  and this little blurb of info i heard by accident, well it was exactly what i needed to hear.

and i couldnt help but have this thought:  'THAT moment, right there, needed to happen in my life.  and in some capacity, THAT is why i havent had the baby yet.'  

because, even through all my impatience, i trust the timing of the universe.  i trust god.  and i trust that things happen for a reason and in due and perfect time, whether or not i can grasp the reason behind it.  a lot of times, i cant.

sometimes, though, its like a lightbulb goes off and today i have to say, 'thank god i am on the path i am on.  and that all things lined up so that i could learn something new today that has enriched my life and hopefully, in so doing, will enrich the life of my child and equip me to be a better mother. and all of that makes me thankful that i havent had this baby yet...'

a thought i promptly followed with, 'but any time now would be great.'



xo.
   m.

the art of being patient.

i have to admit, i find patience to be an art form.

and a personal trait that i am sorely lacking.  i do things quickly.  i like things to be done quickly.  when i decide i want something, i want to go get it  n o w.  when i know something is on its way, i want it yesterday.  part of this i chalk up to just being a 'high energy' person.  part of it i blame on my job and my addiction to coffee and coffee related things.  i like to move fast.  i like using all the hours in my day for SOMETHING.  i hate to sleep.

i have always always been like this, since i was a child.  and throughout my life, there have been MANY things that have come along that have tried my patience, tested it, and taught me how to have it.

ive learned to be emotionally patient.  ive learned to be patient with others.  i have no problem waiting in lines or waiting for meals.  i can order a book in the mail and not be at the mailbox the next day, expectant.  ive learned to do these things pretty gracefully.  ive even learned to be patient with my body through all the sickness and medical problems and dieting and exercising (when it didnt work) and to keep looking, pushing, waiting, and healing until it made sense and started to function properly.

all in all, im pretty proud of the level of patience ive achieved.

but, with all that being said, im still one of the most impatient people i know.  i cant crochet anything bigger than a headband (i get bored).  i cant sit in the bathtub for more than 20 minutes.  (again, bored.) i can hardly sit still to watch a movie.  i dont have the patience required for RPGs that my friends and family seem to enjoy.  i am not the kind of person that can sit at home and do nothing all day very often...

and where my patience is sorely, SORELY lacking is when it comes to waiting for something that i really really want.

like - a new book or movie to come out in a series i love...or a vacation...or...say...a BABY!?

as if being pregnant for nine months (read: more like ten) isn't long ENOUGH...this end part is the WORST joke ever played on an impatient person.

first of all - let me tell you how weird it is to feel like time is FLYING by (is the nursery done, i cant believe we only have x weeks left, make sure we get this this and this, ohmygosh its my shower already, do we have everything we need, did we remember to do this and call them and find a doctor, etc) to coming to a complete and utter C R A W L about two weeks before the baby is due.  its a strange sensation.  couple that with my loathing for surprises and its a MADDENING sensation.

it doesnt help that the doctor took me out of work (at starbucks) 6 weeks ago because of the crazy amount of pain and contractions that i was having and we were a little concerned about the possibility of preterm labor.

now, that seems like a joke.

a cruel joke.

here we are, three days past my due date and it feels like nothing is EVER going to happen.  i feel like im going to be pregnant FOREVER.

now i know, i know.  most first babies are late.  most of my friends carried their first babies anywhere from seven to ten days past their 'due dates'.  i also know that due dates are NOT accurate as to when the baby will ACTUALLY be born, they're a rough estimate and pregnancy length is not "exactly forty weeks" its more like "roughly 280 days, give or take" - and those few days of give and take can feel like they add up to YEARS at the end of a pregnancy.  

for me, it certainly does.

i know a lot of that has to do with all of my (aforementioned) serious lack of patience.  and my excitement to meet this little girl who ive been waiting for, for 36 long weeks.  but there are some other factors in the mix that are making this feel like an excruciatingly long wait.

first - the fact that my mom had all her babies early.  at least 2 weeks early with all four of us.  so, at 37 weeks, when i was considered full term, everyone started to get antsy and expectant.  myself included.  the closer and closer we got to my due date, the more people ask me (every single day) "so, did ya have that baby yet? what's taking her so long?"  and while i SO love my family and friends, and while im asking myself the exact same thing every day, it gets hard to constantly have to say, 'no, not yet.' because its a little discouraging, just because I WANT HER NOW!!  :)  but what i have really got to try to remember (and kindly remind) is that she's ONLY three days overdue, which isn't even considered overdue at all  (no matter HOW it feels) and that i am not going to be pregnant forever (are you sure?!).

second - the fact that ive been out of work for six weeks at starbucks and going on two weeks at GPA.  i know i needed to stop working on my feet when i did, but it has really made this process seem longer because ive had less to do, espeically  since i stopped working altogether (because i have, in fact, been having "real" contractions that hurt and happen every five minutes for up to three or four hours at a time.  and because im not up to driving 20 minutes by myself or potentially being alone in the studio if i go into labor, in snow hill...the idea of that stresses me out.)  not to mention my feet are SO swollen i can hardly walk, even if i elevate and ice them.

third - having fibromyalgia.  and this is an aspect of my pregnancy i havent really talked about a whole lot. as anyone who has it or anyone who knows someone with it knows, its awful.  its painful, its frustrating, its just an all around suck fest.  however, after a lot of hard work the last two years, i have to consider myself exceptionally lucky to have found a way to manage it and i found myself in remission from most of my symptoms.  becoming pregnant changed that, little by little.  its definitely the kind of stressor that can cause symptoms to re-emerge, and it has, though i still consider myself very lucky - my morning sickness was mild, i worked on my feet through almost my whole pregnancy, i had hardly any swelling *until now*, i never felt (or hopefully acted) too hormonal or irrational, etc etc etc.  even with the awful, raging heartburn i had every single day, i figure i didnt fare to poorly on the pregnancy scale.  its only been these last two weeks that have been really REALLY challenging.  my joints ache all over, not just the ones carrying extra weight.  i can't sleep properly (yes, part of that is being HUGE and uncomfortable, but the other part is a fibro symptom).  its hard to walk or sit or stand any way for very long...and im really starting to feel a strain on my body in a way im sure most mothers are familiar with.  and then there are these few things that i think are probably less related to by mothers and more to fellow fibro sufferers.  and that makes me want this pregnancy to be over, like yesterday.  because it hurts.  and its exhausting.  i couldnt "walk this baby out" (or scrub my kitchen floor, or do any of the other things they recommend to help start labor) if i wanted to, because i cant be on my feet that long.  but if i sit too long, that hurts...

its just been a trying two weeks.  and i feel like im becoming a little whiny about the whole thing...like when people ask, 'how are you today?' ... my response is usually, 'meh'  because i dont feel good, times two, on top of all the regular excitement and anticipation and, well, impatience.

so, i hope my friends and family are not getting irritated with my blase mood or the fact that i dont really want to go anywhere and do anything, unless im going to labor and delivery to have this baby.  and i dont want anyone to think im aggravated with them for asking how im doing, or if the baby is here yet, etc etc.  i love that people care and are interested and that bella is going to be so loved and adored.  im just aggravated about how im feeling and the fact that there's little else to be done besides waiting it out - which challenges all the patience i have.  and lack.


to get me out of my funk today, mike took me for a drive to my favorite place.  my calm, centering, thinking place.  camera in tow..

and though that was hard on my body, it definitely helped my mood.  <3

xo.

   m.

b o r e d.

yesterday i went to the mall with my mom and brother and we walked around ALL day.

and it hurt and was exhausting but was fun.

today i was completely wiped out from it and didnt want to do anything or go anywhere.  i was lazy all day.  then laura came over around 4 and we hung out til about 630.

now im just sitting here trying to kill time on the computer til mike comes home at 11, before having to go back to work at 12 and work overnight.

and im just feeling antsy.

bella is moving all around and im hoping she's doing everything she needs to do to get herself into position to come into the world SOON.

my legs are hurting though :/  i sat in a chair.  i sat on the couch. (not comfortable.)  i sat in the floor until i saw a spricket, then i lost it.  so now im back in the chair.  and my legs hurt.  and my feet are swollen.  which i really cant complain too much about because ive been really lucky in that department so far (i can still wear my wedding ring most of the time!!) :D

im still having contractions pretty regularly and am hoping that the doctor has something encouraging to tell me tomorrow.

and i just got a serious craving for HOT WINGS!



and this just spoke to me tonight.

colossians 2:16-23


<3


xo.
   m.

baby bella on the way?

so, last night i started feeling crampy/having contractions around 11pm but they kind of fizzled out around 1am and i went to bed.

woke up at 9 am thinking, ugh, i dont feel so hot.  got up and started walking around and started having all kinds of contractions.  but they were irregular and i couldnt time them.  so i took a shower and decided that for as bad as i was feeling, i probably shouldnt drive myself to snow hill and sit in the studio all alone, in case i was starting to go into labor.

i pulled out my yoga ball and sat on that for about two hours, watching tv.  my back started to hurt.  contractions kept coming and going, still not regular.  then i had three, fifteen minutes apart.  and started having all kinds of pressure.

so i called the doctor and they told me to come in and get checked out.

so i did.  im about 50% effaced but not dilated at all yet.  which basically means, bella could show up ANY time but there's no telling when.  so now im sitting at home on the couch, still having contractions, and just waiting to see what happens.

hopefully this means that bella is on her way in the next few days!!

its crazy. and its starting to (finally) feel real.  like, woah, this is actually happening.  we are actually about to have a baby.  like, any minute now.  any day/hour/minute could easily be our last before officially becoming parents.  its so wild and still surreal.  its a little scary and a little intimidating.

and then on the other hand we are so ready and excited and (starting to get) impatient i cant fathom waiting one more minute to meet this little girl!



hopefully i wont have to wait very much longer.



xo.
    m.
 

christmas list!

every year i try to think of things i need to put on my christmas list and i always find it a little challenging...for two reasons.  one, i dont need much.  and two, the things i really want or really need are usually pretty expensive (ie: new lens for my camera, a new computer, etc) and are things i would expect to buy for myself instead.

but this year ive been trying to come up with things that i need (and want) and i think ive come up with a few.

first, something like this:

i have a bottle of dolce and gabbana perfume that i LOVE.  and the sprayer on the bottle is broken.  and i need a new bottle to store it in.

and this: (www.thymes.com)

Olive leaf lotion by Thymes.  my favorite lotion.

the frasier fir candle (or the room spray!!), also by Thymes.  i want my whole life to smell like this.   i also just need some new candles in general (plain, scented or unscented, pillar candles that will burn a long time.

i know its dorky, but i kinda want one of these:  (http://photojojo.com/store/awesomeness/camera-lens-mug/)

the canon lens coffee mug (preferably the 16oz white one) .....  cause i'm dorky, like that.

something im dying for (and have been for about the past 2 years) is a new pair of uggs.  my last pair lasted me almost 4 years and were the BEST things i ever put on my feet.  these are the ones i want:

the women's classic short in black.  size 9. yummy.

these (women's muk luk's vintage toggle boot from target.com) are awesome too :

the 'moody rose' color/pattern.  size large.

OR these (women's muk luks classic cuff boot from target.com)

candy apple.  size large.

i also need clothes, but that's tricky.  before getting pregnant i got rid of everything that was too big when i started losing weight.  which was oh so fun trying to find anything to wear during my pregnancy when i was in between 'regular clothes' and 'maternity clothes' .... but as it is right now i have virtually nothing to wear and i know i wont be back in my prepreggo clothes right away.  (hopefully sooner than later, but...)  but i also dont know what sizes of things to ask for and wont really know until bella is at least a few weeks/months old.   so while i know a lot of people think its tacky, im not opposed to gift cards either of the universal (visa) variety or to target, where i can get some of the essentials i need (socks, sweats, leggings, underwear, bras, etc)...

xo.

    m.

pumpkin picking!

for glenn's 22nd birthday, we all piled into the car and drove to linkwood, md to go to brekenridge farms!

we walked *half* of the 9.5 acre corn maze.

  we played games:

we played in a corn pit:

we picked pumpkins (and lisa took some amazing pictures!):

glenn likes this one!

jo found hers!

'this looks like a pear.'  'i just said that.'  'i know.'

lovebirds.

lisa's first pumpkin and first halloween!!

one for me and one for bella!

'i love this one!!'

'i think i like this one.'

'even though its a little dirty.'

'...a lot dirty.'

we had a blast!!



i love fall and i love picking pumpkins! we didnt carve ours this year but i think we might try to roast them.  and make toasted pumpkin seeds. yum!!



next year, we'll be taking bella to the pumpkin patch!!


xo.
    m.

today is mom's birthday! out of respect for her, i wont post her age for the world to see, but she's young.  and will always be to me.  and im super excited for her because i think this year might just be one of her best years yet.  she's got a lot going for her right now - as far as jazzy glass goes (she had such an amazing show at the wine fest) and also has a show in dover tomorrow.  not to mention her new job is going great and i think is going to open up some really cool opportunities for her this year.  very exciting.

in other news...

im pretty sure bella is dropping, or perhaps has dropped...?  i just woke up yesterday feeling really "different" ... like she's lower.  feeling pressure in weird places.  a little restless.  but no real contractions to speak of.  (to be fair, i have contractions every day...but so far nothing that's becoming 'regular' or 'more intense' as time goes on....)  i packed my hospital bag this week and mike and i put the car seat in yesterday.  we are as prepared as we're going to be, simple as that.

i'm technically "full term" on monday (37 weeks) so now is as good a time as any, for me....(although everyone has requested i not have her this weekend, or next week, lol)  but, she's going to show up when she feels like it and i can't wait! i just cant wait to see her little face and fingers and toes!! im tired of being pregnant, yes but more than that im just really really excited and ready to see her and meet her, this little tiny creature who i feel like i already know because im carrying her.

pregnancy is weird like that.   and weird for a million other reasons too.

a lot of women say they love(d) being pregnant.  and that i will miss her being inside of me when she's born.  and while i may miss feeling her kick me, i doubt i will miss pregnancy...  in that regard im definitely not a shinning example of a womanhood that embraces pregnancy as beautiful and amazing and enjoyable.

dont get me wrong.  it is AMAZING. and beautiful, in its own right.  and so worth every single second and more.  i would do it over and over again because its worth it.  i just haven't enjoyed it.   probably because im a huge control freak and ive had to really come to rely heavily on my [wonderful, darling, patient, adorable and adoring, practically perfect] husband to do really simple things for me like...tuck me into bed with a million pillows or help me put on socks and shoes...things that i have done for myself for a long time.  and its weird for me.  and i hate feeling helpless.  and i like doing things for myself!  not that it hasnt been nice to have someone wait on me, a little....but mostly i just get a little bored and whiny because i want to do everything im used to doing, but my body doesnt cooperate...although, i have to give my body props for doing as much as it has done and still allowing me to keep up a mostly normal life though just a few weeks ago - working, being on my feet, having a relatively normal sleep schedule, carrying this baby around without too many aches and pains, etc.

anyway.  now we just wait for bella to make her arrival, whenever that may be!

personally, i hope its soon.  :)


xo.
   m.

mercy.

. . .there's a reason that we [men] are not god.

an ironic evening.

its autumn.

and my dog caught a raven in the back yard tonight. (or, maybe a crow)

....


ironic, and sad.  : /




ill blog more about it later.


xo.
   m.

intolerance and outrage.

sometimes i get so mad.

and its mostly at people i dont know. 

when i read things (like blogs/articles/member comments on articles) that are so ugly and blatantly closed minded that it literally makes no sense, sometimes i laugh - because sometimes the ignorance is actually laughable.   but sometimes i yell at the tv/computer/empty house in sheer frustration.

it may seem contradictory, but i am SO intolerant of ... well ... intolerance.  i dont care what you believe.  i dont care if you celebrate christmas or believe in god or are an atheist or if you are for or against gay marriage...everyone is entitled to their own belief system.  when i start to get upset is when people push or force those beliefs on others or attack other people who think differently.  or, more specifically, when they are hateful or ugly about anyone who believes differently.

ugh.  sometimes i get so worked up.

it started reading about people wanting to take christmas out of thomas the tank engine because its not politically correct (although it was originally written by a minister) and ended with me reading that "the boyscouts of america hate gay people." ........and that they "take the position that homosexual conduct is inconsistent with the Scout oath ... and contrary to the Scout Law to be 'clean' in word and deed"

and now, people are mad at the tv show glee.  why? oh, aside from all the other unrealistic highschool drama portrayed in this FICTIONAL FUCKING TV SHOW, the adoption community is up in arms about the fact that when quinn put her baby up for adoption, it was inaccurate to a real adoption.  and now that she's falling apart and having a breakdown because of all of the grief, she wants her baby back.  which, is also, inaccurate to real adoption laws.

its a tv show.  a soap opera, for all intents and purposes.  (if youve ever watched a soap, you know people die and come back all the time - very biologically inaccurate.  where's the protest from the medical and scientific community?)....

whats next? some person riding a crazy train who believes they are a real life vampire (yes, these people exist) flip out because twilight is historically inaccurate and the vampire diaries casts vampirism in the wrong light too? 

whats next?

....i read this stuff and all i can think is 'everyone is so stupid.' - and i know that's not a fair statement. and i dont literally think every person is so stupid. i just get SO MAD!

i have so much to say about all of these things, separately.  like why i think its absurd to take christmas out of something where it was written in (so many reasons).  and how mad it makes me that the boy scouts (or anyone) are openly hateful toward 'the homosexual lifestyle' (or however they addressed it) and why i think that is SO unacceptable.  and how frustrated i get when people demand unreasonable things from glee (or any tv show) although its a fictional tv show and i think its offensive to the FICTION WRITERS to ask them to stop writing fiction. but i cant elaborate, i cant even really keep typing about it right now because i feel like i cant really talk about it coherently. i just feel like there is such a mentality of entitlement, that so many feel that their opinions and beliefs should be the only way and everything else should be removed, immediately.

embrace diversity.  open your mind to the possibility that, no matter how much you've seen, how much you've experienced, what you've been through, you dont know EVERYTHING about ANYTHING. you dont have to believe everything everyone says, or change your mind just because you listen to another opinion.... but  there is ALWAYS something to learn and there will always be people to teach you new things if you can listen.

xo.

    m.

a lazy day...

so, i couldnt fall asleep last night.  mike and i didnt go to bed until about 1:30 or so and even then it took me a little while to fall asleep.  and after that, i was up every hour or so because my stomach was hurting (not contractions, just muscle aches).

i woke up around seven to go to the bathroom (for the third time, surprise!) and when i laid back down, i finally felt ... mostly comfortable and i slept for two more hours.

around 10 mike and i decided to go get coffee.  so we went to starbucks and he got a pumpkin spice chai, of course.  and i got...decaf.  we came back home and i .... laid on the couch.  it was about 11 at this point and i was starting to realize that i wasn't going to "wake up" for the day - which should have been obvious from the start, considering i rarely sleep past 830 and once im up, im up and awake.

so i laid on the couch and watched tv with mike (season finale of dr. who that we had recorded on DVR!!)  around 130 mike got up to take a shower and start getting ready for work and i ... WENT TO SLEEP.   i woke up a little on and off between 130 and 245 when he left for work.  i kissed him goodbye and went back to sleep for another 30 minutes or so, waking up at 330 - still tired.

after that i played around on the computer and read a lot of entries from not always right - a hilarious website mike 'stumbled on' last night.  we read a few pages of it together before bed, and i wound up reading a bunch of it today while laying around, being lazy, and doing virtually nothing.

i went to pick up dinner and mike came home for 30 minutes to eat.  when he was about to leave, i was ready to go back to bed.  but i didn't...not yet, anyway.  although, i could easily fall asleep right now if i let myself - oh the joys of pregnancy fatigue.

but, despite the slight inconvenience of feeling SO tired, it has been GLORIOUS to not have anywhere to go today, or really anything to do (i mean, im sure i could have found SOMETHING....but i was just TOO tired).

and speaking of all things pregnancy - here's the latest for those of you i havent had a chance to update yet.

for the last two weeks, every time i would work at starbucks i would get AWFUL contractions (one every few minutes) that at first were just annoying but escalated on sunday to being actually VERY painful and causing me to stop what i was doing.  i was nervous because everything id read said that if you have more than 4 braxton hicks in an hour, or if they dont let up after you stop what youre doing and drink water, to call the doctor, which i had done a few days before....but these contractions were worse.  i went home and laid down and did start feeling a bit better....and assumed i wasnt in labor because they didnt get worse or closer together.  i had an appointment on monday anyway, so i went in and talked to the doctor about everything that had been going on.

she checked to see if i was dialated (which i wasn't, luckily) but told me that if every time i worked i was having constant contractions and cramps that the odds of me starting to dialate early were pretty good and that continuing to work on my feet could cause preterm labor.

so, she said no more starbucks for me.  no more spending lots of hours on my feet at a time.  i dont have to be on bedrest and i can still work at the studio editing but nothing that requires me to stand/walk around for very long...which is a huge relief for my body, but a strange sensation.  i really had planned on working through the end of my pregnancy (as close as i could get) and its strange for me to be taking so much time off work (its looking like about 12 weeks now)...but i know its the right thing.  for as ready as i feel to have this baby, i dont want bella to be at risk to come too early.  i want her to be full term and healthy!  so i did what the doctor said and worked my last four hour shift on tuesday. . . and now im officially done at starbucks until bella is at least 6 weeks old.  weird.  this is the longest i have ever gone not working at starbucks since i started, six years ago (happy 6 year anniversary to me this month!)

in the first two days after being pulled from work i had hardly any contractions, just the normal braxton hicks they describe in the books - not super frequent, irregular, not painful.  such a change from the other contractions i had been having.

then, yesterday, mike and i were both off and had to go to target to finish up some baby prep shopping.  we were out and about and i was on my feet for about three or four hours and started having contractions about an hour or so in to shopping that continued to get worse (not painful, just annoying) the more i stood up.  finally i told mike we had to call it quits on the shopping and head home.  i had pretty bad contractions most of the way home but the longer i was sitting, the  more they tapered off.  i went home, laid down, and took it easy the rest of the day and the contractions laid off.

then i went to britt's house for fondue dinner and dessert with her and anna and it was delicious!! and we had a ton of fun!

today, since ive been so incredibly lazy, i've had very few contractions, which is a relief.  maybe this baby will make it to term, after all.

monday i'll be 35 weeks, or as anna told me - 35/35 - 35 weeks along, 35 days to go.  WILD! i cant believe i only have 36 days until bella is due and that she might be here before then.  crazy!! but i cant wait to meet her!





so, after writing this i fully intended to pick up a book and start reading, but i just used the book to kill a giant spider that was crawling across the living room floor....ick.




maybe ill just go back to sleep!


xo.
    m.

more new house pictures!

here are some more pictures of the newly painted house!

blue bathroom!

green bedroom!

pink nursery!

yellow kitchen!

baby shower!

my mom and sister threw me the most awesome baby shower on saturday!

(mom, gram, britt)

it was a blast, to say the least!!  it was so beautiful and so much fun!  brittany did a great job.  and she made me this amazing slide show (that made me cry) and an adorable banner to hang in bella's room. (pictures forthcoming)

the shower itself was such a blessing and between all of our gifts and gift cards from the showers, and all the gently used hand-me-downs we've received from our friends, we have almost everything we need for baby bella's arrival, including her beautiful crib!  the only thing i still need to order is the crib mattress and the cradle mattress and sheets, which is a simple purchase.

we are so lucky and so excited for her arrival!  and i cant believe how quickly the time is flying (and crawling at the same time)...i only have 7 weeks left until my due date; unbelievable!!  and somehow, i am starting to feel like its never going to get here.  im sure that has at least a little to do with how crappy i feel about fifty percent of the time.

 im tired, i waddle, i ache, i have heartburn, im TIIIIIIRED (did i mention that im tired?) i fall asleep all the time - its like the minute i sit down, im sleeping.  and when i wake up i feel groggy and just...blah. i feel like i have no energy to get anything done.

but, at least the house is pretty much done (mike still has to paint a few doors) and we'll be putting together bella's room either later this week or early next week (im SO excited to do that!)

november 13th can NOT get here fast enough!



xo.
   m.

sprickets!

it always seems to happen when mike isn't home.


they come looking for me.


bugs.  and always the worst kinds.  either spiders ::shudder:: ....or sprickets, (really called camel crickets) which i think might actually be worse to me and cause a more paralyzing fear for me than spiders have my whole life.  (shocking, i know!)  they are horrible and terrifying and possessed.  they attack!  (though, i dont think they bite) ... if you're not familiar with what a camel cricket is, google it.

i thought about posting a picture but then i think i would have to stop coming to my own blog.  ugh.  they are so gross.   and right now there is one hiding my bathroom, behind the toilet, and i really have to pee.

: /

earlier, while i was in the bathroom, this same spricket was sitting on the window sill, waiting for me.  when i realized it was there i jumped and started backing out of the bathroom mutter a few choice words under my breath.  and this little monster jumped AT me.  twice.  missing me by millimeters.  i felt like i was going to have a heart attack!

...which, speaking of my heart - my cardiologist's appointment is tomorrow at 2.

in other news, i just found a delicious recipe for cream cheese ice cream.

ingredients

• 5 cups half-and-half or light cream
• 2-1/2 cups sugar
• 4 beaten eggs
• 3 8-ounce packages cream cheese or reduced-fat cream
•  cheese (Neufchatel), softened
• 1 teaspoon finely shredded lemon peel
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 2 teaspoons vanilla
• Fresh blueberries, nectarines, and/or dark cherries (optional)

directions

1. In a large saucepan combine 3 cups of the half-and-half or light cream, the sugar, and eggs. Cook and stir over medium heat just until boiling. In a large mixing bowl beat cream cheese with an electric mixer until smooth; gradually beat in hot mixture. Cover and chill thoroughly.
2. Stir in remaining half-and-half, lemon peel, lemon juice, and vanilla. Freeze in a 4- or 5-quart ice cream freezer according to the directions. Ripen 4 hours. Garnish each serving with choice of fresh fruit, if desired. Makes about 3 quarts (24 servings).

it looks and sounds delicious.   so now i need an ice cream maker!  cuisinart makes a pretty good one, so it seems.  maybe i'll add that to my christmas list!  

now its back to waiting for mike to handle the spricket situation so i can go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and go to bed.  another open is waiting for me tomorrow!  oh how i love getting up at 4 am.  N O T.   but at least work was less stressful today.  and ive decided to not let the dumb stuff get to me.  the stuff i cant change.  the stuff that doesnt have to do with me.  the stuff that, in light of everything else going on in my world, actually matters very little. 

xo.

   m.

blargh.

i am in a foul mood right now...

work feels full of drama.

and its forcing me to think about all kinds of things...

like what i really want.  and how to get it.  without living in poverty for the rest of my life, to say the least...  heh.

im trying not to stress out.  stress solves nothing. its not good for me.  its not good for bella.  i need to learn to let it go.

everything happens for a reason.  i know this.  i believe this.  it will all work out.




sigh.



xo.
   m.

good morning, behr commercial....

i feel like my house is a commercial for behr paint!  no joke.  and i feel like the actress they hired to just walk or sit around looking so thoroughly pleased with herself and her new surroundings that it just makes you feel the need to redo your own kitchen/bathroom/dining room...or all of them!

ahh.  i feel so so accomplished! and relieved that its done.  and my house just looks and feels fresh, lively, bright, and YOUNG!  almost like a new house - almost.  we still have some clean up to do (not from painting though - i already did that) to put the house JUST RIGHT and get rid of more stuff we dont want or need!

then it will be time to set up the nursery!


we still need to get new curtains to match all of our new colors but angela, my best friend in the world, who now has a sewing machine and the skill and patience to use it, said she would make all the curtains for me if i would just buy all the fabrics!  soo exciting! :)  we have a great new store in salisbury called hobby lobby - like a michaels but bigger - and they have SO MUCH FABRIC! in such awesome patterns! i cant wait.


but now, its time for breakfast.  and coffee.  or, if youre me...decaf.  :/


xo.
   m.

it takes a village to...paint a house?

WHAT A DAY!

we successfully painted almost the entire house in roughly 12 hours today!  we still have three doors and two doorways to paint, and that's IT!

and i must say, it looks LOVELY!  i am  so excited to have some color on the walls! i think it looks beautiful!  and i also am so happy that the house is mostly put back together, too...(still waiting on the paint to dry in our bedroom, and dont worry all my wonderful, concerned, friends and family, im not sleeping in the fume-y bedroom with wet paint...!)

for as exhausted as i am right now, i feel VERY satisfied.  i had a great day! painting went relatively quick and the company was awesome.  atreyu acted like a jerk, most of the day (he's pretty much in love with raye and followed her around the whole time she was here)...he's now the dog of many colors - he walked into pretty much every wall and paintbrush he could get his fur on...he looks absurd.

raye totally killed it with the cutting in! (and the yellow in my kitchen looks absolutely delicious!)  mike paints like a tortoise, but you know what they say - slow and steady wins the race.  well, maybe not the race, but his work looks flawless.  (which is more than i can say for what happens if you put a paint BRUSH in my hand - disaster! but give me a roller and i'll blow your mind!)  ang helped me roll a couple of walls and then painted the beadboarding and our windows with a fresh coat of white and they look lovely!  and i was so grateful because i cant paint those things to save my life!  my mom primed some windows and painted the high and low parts of the hallway that i couldnt reach!  she also did some awesome doorway painting/patching and made our hallway look brand new...ahh! im so excited about all of it!  and then, dominick came over and helped mike cut in in our bedroom and then helped me with some post painting cleanup which was awesome of him.

i think mike and angela were totally high for a small window of time while painting our bedroom which obviously wasnt well ventilated enough...

thank you guys for helping us out!! we really appreciate all of you and love you a ton!

and for more on the story, check out my blog update on the GPA blog:

http://gilletteportraitarts.com/blog/monday-moments-with-mel-a-new-coat-of-paint/

xo.
   m.

an architectural facelift

tomorrow is the big day!  we're painting the WHOLE house and i cant wait to see it with a fresh coat of paint!  its going to look like a completely different house!! and i feel like its just what we need to welcome bella home in november (or, as i keep saying, maybe a little earlier...) and to finally feel a sense of ownership in this house.

even though we rent, mike and i have lived in this house for four years and we havent really had a lot of creative freedom - we havent been able to paint which has made decorating uninteresting and uninspiring.  but NOW we are really starting to see some of our personality come through (like in the bathroom and hallway, for starters) and im so excited about that.  i just cant wait to see some color on these walls!



xo.
   m.

ocean weather...

so, after this whole (traumatic!) waterspout/tornado incident today and the hurricane a few weeks ago, i got thinking about weather and general, and specifically weather at the beach.

i know that weather gets crazy everywhere, and here we dont have tornadoes that often, or earthquakes (though, in the past month we've had both!?)...but weather on the beach is a totally different experience - from fog that goes from non existent to pea-soup thick, temperatures that drop 10 degrees or more in under a mile, hurricanes, nor'easters, etc...and i thought it would be cool to put up a few videos of what the weather is like where i live for our family who doesnt live on the coast.  for me, its easy to forget that not everyone has an ocean with storm surges and flooding inlets and rip currents and swells that are incredible on their own, but the effects of that monster on the weather, well - its pretty awesome.

(all pulled from youtube)

(a sudden storm in 2009)

(sea foam!! this is from our recent hurricane, irene!)

(a nor'easter (which in ocmd is usually worse than a hurricane) in nov of 2009 - that's the ocean coming up to the boardwalk! the ocean usually stops about 100 yards from the boardwalk at high tide.)

(flooding after a thunderstorm)

(a washed up humpback that had died at sea.)

(seals - or maybe two videos of one seal - that came ashore last year around 58th street! there were four or five incidents of this last year up and down our coast!)

(a whale and a HUGE school (or, shoal, mike argues) of fish seen from the 19th floor of a hotel - we saw one last summer, too! from up high! pretty incredible)

and because i cant resist - some videos of sharks!  i actually know a lot of the people in the second video (the one with all the photos)!  all of the fish (and sharks and stingrays!!) in that video are caught FROM THE SHORE...pulled, literally, right out of the surf...where we swim.  (did i ever tell you about the skate, or potential shark, i punched last summer?!)

(uhhh...HAMMERHEAD!?)

and finally some of my own pictures from the day after hurricane earl last year!

and our beach when its calm:

how could i ever live away from the ocean!?



xo.
   m.