some days...

some days are happy days. some days are calm days.  some days are chaotic days. some days are beautiful days and some days are dreary days.

some days are everything days.

the last few days have been a serious physical, emotional, and mental challenge.  for most parts of the last few days, its felt like complete chaos.  like my life was unraveling.  with moments of goodness mixed in.

but today, today i finally feel better, back to myself, a little more normal.  i feel like the overwhelming largeness of my circumstance, of all i have to do, of all thats on my shoulders, of all thats happening in my life, had caught up with me and i had a really really challenging few days.  lack of sleep didnt help.  other emotional moments, like grams birthday, didnt help.

when people said to me, 'moving away is one of the most stressful things you can do in your life.'  i thought, i dont know, ive been through a lot of stressful things.

now, i think it might  be true.

you live, you learn.

inspired.

ive had a sad day today. ive been thinking about gram a lot lately, really missing her, and thinking about how tomorrow is her birthday and though i know she is gone, i feel the loss, the lack of her, its still really surreal.  i cant help but wonder if it will ever feel different.  the pain is less, but most days, the sadness is not.

but, all this thinking of her really got me thinking of other things.  i started thinking about the actual process of all of this.  of all the losses the last year has brought.  and rather than dwelling on the sadness of those things, i found my mind wandering instead to  what helped me through all of these things.

and that really brought to my attention what a wonderful, beautiful network of girl friends i have developed.  and how lucky i am!  how strong that support system has been though all of the trials of the past year and a half.  and maybe im getting nostalgic because tomorrow is grams birthday.  or because im leaving soon. or because my baby is about to turn one.  whatever the reason, i just couldnt help but think about it and be thankful.

when i miscarried, my friends and family quietly, gently, rallied around me.  the comforted and soothed me.  they brought me dinner.  they told me it was ok to be sad and feel lost and that i didnt have to be fine or brave.  when i had a csection with bella, and struggled through the baby blues, my family rose to the challenge of convincing me that i was capable of being a good mom, even when my physical limitations because of the surgery left me feeling less than.  when i had complications after my surgery, my friends lent me a helping hand.  when gram passed, faces i hadnt seen in a while reappeared to offer sincere condolences.

as ive walked through the grief and anxiety that this past year has brought ive found myself faced with more self doubt than ive known what to do with.  had you asked me before these trials if i was confident and strong, my answer would have easily been yes.  had you asked me after, i would have simply wept.

but now, i see that the brokenness i felt (and sometimes still feel) did not and does not negate my strength and should not drain my confidence.  and part of why i can see that is because others have seen it in me. 

for years, i have prided myself on being strong.  stoic.  unwavering. capable.  and though i could find beauty in my own private brokenness and could pull valuable lessons from those times, i did not ever think of allowing anyone else to see my pain, my doubt, my fear.  i could see no use or beauty in that.  though i never claimed to be perfect, or have it all together, i refused to be broken in the eyes of those around me.

this year i have learned there is a whole new kind of beauty in brokenness.  when you are broken before those that you love, that love you, and that care for you, everything changes.  a new level of trust is earned and the love between you, even if you thought it was as great as it could be, grows greater.  deeper.  safer.

i have found myself cared for, thought about, respected and understood more in my weakness than in my strength.  and i count that such a blessing.   even in my sadness and grief, my fear and anxiety, i am celebrating right now because i really truly am SO incredibly lucky to have the kind of women in my life that i do. 

i know that this is the second blog post in a row where i am rambling on about how lucky i am, but its really how i feel.  despite being sad and missing gram.  despite being stressed about money and anxious about moving.  i am celebrating my wealth today! because i am rich in companionship.  real, true, valuable, inspiring companionship. friendship. love.  

i am lucky.  and blessed.  and fortunate. and wealthy.  and every time i miss gram and feel sad and empty, i want to think of this - she would want me to think of this.  to open my eyes, look around, and take in my blessings.  to seize every opportunity i have.  to move forward with my life until i am where i want to be.

so today, instead of dwelling in my sadness, though i cant promise that wont come on the next wave, i am going to count myself blessed and be thankful for all of these things.  and for gram.  and tomorrow im going to celebrate her birth , and her whole life, which so deeply impacted, changed, and shaped mine.  on my birthday she got a fortune cookie that said, 'a special child will soon enter your life.'  but SHE was  special in MY life.  

i love you, gram.  happy birthday.  i miss you to the moon.  <3 p="p">

xo.

m.

not worth the words.





















buzzkill evening. 

lucky!

when all is well, and everything is good, i count myself lucky.  in the midst of trials, i count myself lucky.

lucky to have my friends, my (growing) family.

lucky to have such a wonderful, kind, patient, supportive, smart, handsome  husband and brilliant, happy, healthy, beautiful, joyful, hilarious, precious baby.

lucky to have my health - despite struggles.  to  have soundness of mind, ability to hear, see, taste, feel...experience.

lucky for my job(s), which provide income, experience, fellowship, love, creative outlet.

lucky to have had each of my past experiences, good and bad.  they have molded me.  i count the trials as blessings - i have learned SO much.  i count the blessings as greater blessings, i deserve nothing, expect nothing, but have so much.

i am lucky amid my current trials for what they are giving me - new perspective, new opportunities, new relationships.  new life lessons.

i am lucky to have the faith that i do.  the trust in god and the universe that keeps me grounded and calm, gives me hope and direction.



i am lucky in a million ways!

kindness and love.

for years, this has been one of my favorite quotes.  the other night, it showed up in my fortune cookie:

'we judge others by their actions, but judge ourselves by our intentions.'

that has resonated with me since the first time i heard it and i try to let it heavily influence my life.  i want to keep that in my mind when someone hurts or wrongs me - that there is (always) more to every action than just that action.  there is intention behind it, and sometimes the action and the intention are not the same.  sometimes someone means well, but execute poorly.  for any number of reasons. . . .sometimes thats hard to remember.

remember.  everyone is human.  with a life.  a family.  thoughts, fears, ideas, dreams.  everyone WANTS something, needs certain things - acceptance, love, approval, support - its different from person to person, but only slightly so.  try to operate and REALLY treat others the way you want to be treated.  you may not always get treated the way you want to, but rather than letting that make you hard and bitter, let it inspire you.  say to yourself, i dont like it when people treat me with impatience, cruelty, selfishness, rudeness, disregard, disrespect, or as if they see no value in me, so i will not act in a way that can or will make people feel that way, even if those same people treat me poorly.

i wont say these things make you a "better" person, but they will make  you a better feeling person.  a happier person.  a person more approachable, with more self confidence, with more contentment and less anxiety, a person with more peace.  a healthier person.


be patient - sometimes the wait is relevant.  sometimes its not, but still unchangeable, so accept it and be content rather than agitated.

be kind...not just polite, but out of your way kind.  to strangers AND friends.

be UPLIFTING.  people need to hear when they are doing a good job, and should be told; deserve to be told.

everyone has doubts and fears and scars, just like you do.  remember that before judging them.

you will NEVER please EVERYONE and you have to do what is RIGHT for you, regardless.

every good thing that has been given to you is a blessing, not something youve earned.  likewise, every tragedy has been exactly that, not something you deserve.

realize the world owes you nothing.  and people owe you nothing.  you have what life has given you, and what you have made of it and are working to make of it.

don't wallow.  face the things that are the causes of your unhappiness - change anything you can.  accept what you cannot.

extend grace to others.

be forgiving.

do not guilt anyone to influence them.


find a moment to be still at the end of every day and turn your face to the things that make you scared, angry, frustrated, unhappy, anxious, and lacking peace.  ask yourself WHY?  and if it is fair and honest. are you angry because youre sad?  are you frustrated because something isnt going your way?  is there anything you can do to change it?  are you trying to bend another person to your will but it isnt working?  let go of that frustration because it is unfounded and unjust to try to control another persons life. are you disappointed, lost, stuck?  is there anything you can do in the moment to change it? the next few moments?  the next day?  few days?  month?  work towards it or let it go.

make decisions confidently.  stand behind them.  if you find, later, youve made a mistake, own that confidently, apologize, make amends.  right the wrong the best you can.  learn from it, grow from it.  leave the guilt behind.

be kind to each other.   love one another.  



xo.
   m.

from the eastern shore to the windy city.

in just a few shorty weeks (about 7) mike, bella, atreyu and i will be packing up and heading about 900 miles west to live in st. charles, illinois.

i have to admit, its a really bittersweet thing.

while im super excited about experiencing new things - people, places, family!  i am also SUPER sad to be leaving my home; my heart is here, and will remain to be so.

but we need a change.  for our finances, our marriage, our little one.  we need some new opportunities.  we need a different work environment.  we need a different kind of support system.  we need to be able to see each other, sometimes, and to reconnect.  i need to work a little less, and a little differently.  and he needs the opportunity to work more, in a better (and better paying) environment.  i need to be close to my (wonderful, amazing, alternative medicine practicing) doctor to get my life and health back in order.  he needs a chance to be close to his family.

im excited about being in a new area, with new and different things to do.  im excited about winter weather.  im excited about being closer in proximity to my (other, long lost) sister and having the chance to meet her again and reconnect.  im excited to get to know my illinois family.  im looking forward to all kinds of things.

but i am sad too.  im going to be leaving a huge piece of myself here.  my family, my friends.  being away from my small, close knit family, and thinking that bella may not immediately recognize the family and friends who have always been my *only* family and friends breaks my heart - but i know we can change that with visits, pictures, and skype.  im sad over leaving my best friend and heart - the idea literally shreds my insides...  but i know that no matter how much time passes (it wont be much) or how many miles are between us, we will always always be inseparable.  we will always be best friends.  we will be seeing each other soon...  as soon as i convince her to move to chicago too!

its all very exciting, scary, overwhelming, sad, and great!  i think that this is going to be a great opportunity.  i think its going to be a lot of fun.  i think ill be homesick.  i think ill miss the beach.  but i am confident that we are making the right choice - for us - and thats really all that matters.

i am going to miss *my* starbucks, but i have been missing my starbucks for some time.  its time to move on to something new.

im going to miss my old friends, and my newest friends.  im going to miss my little town.  im going to miss my house (a little).

im SO going to miss the studio and the wonderful ladies of GPA who i have come to love like family!  more than an amazing job, wonderful opportunity, and invaluable education - these ladies are like sisters to me!  its hard to leave that behind.  but it gives them somewhere to road trip!

but im glad to be setting out on this new adventure.  im happy and looking forward to a new chapter in my life and in my marriage!  im actually glad to be moving away from the eastern shore and "getting out of ocean city" like ive always talked about.  and who knows what the future holds?

im just glad that, no matter what, ill still always have this place to call home.  <3 p="p">


xo.
   m.