inspired.

ive had a sad day today. ive been thinking about gram a lot lately, really missing her, and thinking about how tomorrow is her birthday and though i know she is gone, i feel the loss, the lack of her, its still really surreal.  i cant help but wonder if it will ever feel different.  the pain is less, but most days, the sadness is not.

but, all this thinking of her really got me thinking of other things.  i started thinking about the actual process of all of this.  of all the losses the last year has brought.  and rather than dwelling on the sadness of those things, i found my mind wandering instead to  what helped me through all of these things.

and that really brought to my attention what a wonderful, beautiful network of girl friends i have developed.  and how lucky i am!  how strong that support system has been though all of the trials of the past year and a half.  and maybe im getting nostalgic because tomorrow is grams birthday.  or because im leaving soon. or because my baby is about to turn one.  whatever the reason, i just couldnt help but think about it and be thankful.

when i miscarried, my friends and family quietly, gently, rallied around me.  the comforted and soothed me.  they brought me dinner.  they told me it was ok to be sad and feel lost and that i didnt have to be fine or brave.  when i had a csection with bella, and struggled through the baby blues, my family rose to the challenge of convincing me that i was capable of being a good mom, even when my physical limitations because of the surgery left me feeling less than.  when i had complications after my surgery, my friends lent me a helping hand.  when gram passed, faces i hadnt seen in a while reappeared to offer sincere condolences.

as ive walked through the grief and anxiety that this past year has brought ive found myself faced with more self doubt than ive known what to do with.  had you asked me before these trials if i was confident and strong, my answer would have easily been yes.  had you asked me after, i would have simply wept.

but now, i see that the brokenness i felt (and sometimes still feel) did not and does not negate my strength and should not drain my confidence.  and part of why i can see that is because others have seen it in me. 

for years, i have prided myself on being strong.  stoic.  unwavering. capable.  and though i could find beauty in my own private brokenness and could pull valuable lessons from those times, i did not ever think of allowing anyone else to see my pain, my doubt, my fear.  i could see no use or beauty in that.  though i never claimed to be perfect, or have it all together, i refused to be broken in the eyes of those around me.

this year i have learned there is a whole new kind of beauty in brokenness.  when you are broken before those that you love, that love you, and that care for you, everything changes.  a new level of trust is earned and the love between you, even if you thought it was as great as it could be, grows greater.  deeper.  safer.

i have found myself cared for, thought about, respected and understood more in my weakness than in my strength.  and i count that such a blessing.   even in my sadness and grief, my fear and anxiety, i am celebrating right now because i really truly am SO incredibly lucky to have the kind of women in my life that i do. 

i know that this is the second blog post in a row where i am rambling on about how lucky i am, but its really how i feel.  despite being sad and missing gram.  despite being stressed about money and anxious about moving.  i am celebrating my wealth today! because i am rich in companionship.  real, true, valuable, inspiring companionship. friendship. love.  

i am lucky.  and blessed.  and fortunate. and wealthy.  and every time i miss gram and feel sad and empty, i want to think of this - she would want me to think of this.  to open my eyes, look around, and take in my blessings.  to seize every opportunity i have.  to move forward with my life until i am where i want to be.

so today, instead of dwelling in my sadness, though i cant promise that wont come on the next wave, i am going to count myself blessed and be thankful for all of these things.  and for gram.  and tomorrow im going to celebrate her birth , and her whole life, which so deeply impacted, changed, and shaped mine.  on my birthday she got a fortune cookie that said, 'a special child will soon enter your life.'  but SHE was  special in MY life.  

i love you, gram.  happy birthday.  i miss you to the moon.  <3 p="p">

xo.

m.