pumpkin pie and pumpkin......somethings?

this is quickly becoming a food blog, completely by accident!

earlier tonight i sent ang a text that went something like this:

"this is the place where all good kitchen experiments should start."

and lo and behold! i was right!  i started out with a simple pumpkin pie (canned pumpkin, condensed milk, sub agave and maple syrup for sugar, spices, ya know, the basics) and came up with this:  (err, i realized a  little too late that i dont have any real pie pans.  so i improvised.)

its still in the oven, on a little lower temp than normal, and im hoping the crust doesnt burn before the inside is done...we'll see.  but i do have a backup plan for the rest of the batch of filling.

then, the further into the glass of wine i got, the more inspired i became to try something different.  i took pie filling, and added some stuff - cream cheese, ricotta cheese, raisins, almond flour, flaxseed meal, coconut and made it into a batter/dough.  then i rolled it into balls (i only made five) and rolled them in sesame seeds.  the first experimental batch is in the oven.  fingers crossed.

now we wait and see!

baked chicken and pumpkin soup!

i hardly ever find time to just sit down and blog anymore...mostly because im working on so many other projects (dress up! fess up!, my book, working on getting a nice photography portfolio together, trying to find time to craft/refinish, etc for our shabby sparrow project, raising a two year old, working part time...etc) and this probably falls to the bottom of the list. but it wasn't long ago that ang told me i should start a food blog and then told me that i am stupid to not cook more.  so today when i started dinner i said, what the heck, i doubt this will turn into a whole food blog, but id love to share things when im proud of them, and these last two posts just happen to be dinner. :)  mike and i have been eating clean since september and we are trying to stick to a 98% clean paleo diet.  its better for all of us!  so, most of the recipes ive come up with lately have been paleo.  this one isn't QUITE 100% (theres a little maple syrup in the soup, a little honey in the whipped cream, and, well, CREAM.) but other than that its super healthy and guilt free (and DELICIOUS!!)

So. i didnt take any pictures of the finished product. but it was delish!!! another culinary success!

dinner and dessert!

i rarely (if ever) blog about food like im about to.

but i was pretty freaking proud of essentially all of my cooking today.

specifically dinner and dessert.

dinner tonight was a new adventure.  i cooked pork chops for the first time because, while grocery shopping today, i found them on sale for a steal!  alright, i said to myself, no better time to learn.

pork chops are pretty easy to cook, it turns out.  basically all i did (i wish i had pictures of this process too, but i didn't know how fabulous it was going to turn out) was season the chops on both sides with salt, pepper, a little minced garlic, and literally a sprinkle each of paprika and worcestershire sauce.  then tossed them in the pan with some olive oil and away we go!   cooked them til they werent pink inside anymore and that was it.  so simple.

after i took the chops out (but leaving all the drippings, etc in the pan) i dropped in a chopped onion, about ten or twelve cherry tomatoes, cut in half, and about 2 cups of white mushrooms, sliced.  i sauteed this for a little while and then added some minced garlic, butter, and the juice of one lemon and let that all cook down for about six minutes.   then i added a splash of half and half and a splash of heavy cream, mixed it all around and tada.  i would have liked to have added white wine but i didnt have any and since i was just whipping up what i had, i just went with it.

the sauce turned out awesome, tart because of the juice from the garlic (jar) and lemon but smooth from the cream.  i like the flavor but it might be too much for some people in which case i would add more butter or only use half a lemon.

i scooped this directly out of the pan half onto my chop, half on the plate.  i served it with some canned black beans that i had heated up and it was PERFECT!  i am not a huge fan of beans and honestly could have done with or without but the combo of sauce and pork chop was really surprising.  the chop was kinda smoky and sweet and the sauce was tart and tangy and i was SO PROUD!  this isnt a great picture, but here's the final product.

so then i was feeling super inspired and wanted to make dessert.  i felt like having something with berries and cream.  so i looked in the fridge and this is what i came up with.

what is it, you ask?  well.  its a parfait, of sorts.  it has a crushed walnut 'crust' stacked with banana 'ice cream.' the next layer is a blueberry, apricot, peach medley and the whole thing is topped with a honey-ginger-vanilla tea infused whipped cream.

sound like a daunting task?

trust me, its not.  

i only had my blender and it was so easy! it would have been even easier with my magic bullet (which is currently in storage).

anyway.  here's how it went.

first, cut up one peach, one apricot, and grabbed a hand full of blueberries.  then i grabbed two bananas from the freezer that i had peeled and thrown in a few hours before (i like to try to keep frozen bananas on hand for just such occasions) and dropped them into my blender.  i used the "crush ice" setting to pulse a few times, then blended it a few seconds.  it looked like this:

the texture was a little like dip'n'dots...then i added a splash of half and half (literally, less than half a cup) but you could easily use coconut or almond milk instead. then i blended a little longer until it was like soft serve, and stopped so it wouldnt get soupy.

i spooned it out into a bowl and was actually surprised how much two bananas had made!

then i covered it and put it in the freezer so it wouldnt melt while i was making my whipped cream.  so the whipped cream i started right after dinner so that it would have time to infuse.  i grabbed a piece of ginger and peeled it, cut it up, and stuck it into my tea infuser.  then, feeling bold, i dumped some loose leaf creme' earl gray tea in the infuser too.

i took the infuser and put it into a glass jar. and poured heavy cream over it.

then i stuck it in the fridge, ate dinner, did the dishes, and then completed the first few steps already outlined above (re:made banana ice cream)

anyway.  so when it came time to make the whipped cream.  i took the tea infuser out and went from there.  i took another small piece of ginger, peeled it, and dropped it into the blender.  along with that about a tbsp of honey and my infused heavy cream.  i turned on the blender and let it blend for about thirty seconds.

i scooped it out of the blender and back into the glass jar.  then i built my parfait.

crushed walnuts in the bottom.  then my banana ice cream.  then my fruit.  then the whipped cream, and another sprinkle of walnuts.

total prep time for dinner and dessert from start to finish including clean up and eating?  about an hour. maybe a little less.

if anyone is interested in a better recipe, i can write one out!

xo

m

(summer) solstice.

the moon is high, the air is still.

solstice.

face to the ground, i weep tears to mother earth
beg her,
hold me.

the breeze picks up,
wraps around me-

a comfort, a place of peace
i feel at home here.

the world melts away
all that is left is here
in the silence, the stillness
the roar of the earth
all that matters here
is green and brown
and alive.

the whisper of her gentle voice
the rustle of leaves on branches of her trees
is a comforting voice
centering me, calling me back home

a rumble of thunder in the distance
then closer
i can only pray for rain

my lips are parched and so
my prayers tumble out silent
but fervent, still

i can feel the prickle of electricity
the humidity of this summer night
broken in half by the familiar gust of wind
that rushes in before the rain
to announce his arrival

he is slow at first
a few drops at a time
so as not to send me running, scared
the cool water is a welcome relief from the tight press
of the summer night heat
i exhale and in so doing realize
i had been holding my breath tight in my lungs

i let out my breath and feel relieved
i draw a breath in, reveling in the sharp, cool bite
of the rain soaked air

the sky opens, finally
rain pours over the earth, over me
covers me, touches pieces of sky to me
wraps me in an embrace
that brings heaven down to me
covers like a curtain
pulling me in to a sacred sanctuary
closing the world out behind me,
letting me hid

i let the divine move me
move in me
stir and dredge up things inside of me
heart aching, soul breaking
i sob until my tears have dried up
my chest can heave not one more time
i lay prostrate on the ground

still.

the rain slows, stops
a breeze blows the clouds aside -
i realize a new morning has dawned,
the sun has crested the horizon

a glimmer of light falls -
pools on the ground around me
lingers on me
warms me through, dries me
recharges me

the silence gives way to
the sounds of the woods
the music of the earth
my heart lifts

soon, again, it will fly.

homesteading and tiny houses!

there are a lot of reasons why mike and i are a perfect fit for each other.

one of the most important, at least to me, is that our long term goals are the same.

we are pretty 'offbeat' in a lot of ways - and that carries over into that KIND of lifestyle we want to live.

we arent much for 'keeping up with the jones'' as they say - we arent into big and fancy. we arent into pre-fabed, well, anything.  we are a little more 'crunchy' (ive always called it bohemian, myself).  we want LAND more than a big, fancy, house.  we want SUSTAINABLE.  we want HAND MADE.  we want to homestead (we want to grow our own food, maybe raise some animals, make our own things) - you know, old school.

and even though we aren't currently in the most ideal place, we are in the process of planning for our future.  and what that looks like for us is really different than what it looks like for most people we know, and really, most people in general.

we recently read an article about a couple that built their own 2500 square foot home, with their own two hands, for $35 a square foot (granted this was in the early 90s) with materials they had sourced themselves.  their total cost from start to finish was under 90,000.  their home was made of lumber and stone, was energy efficient, and beautiful.

how beautiful is this!?

and wonder of all wonders - there are plans online to help you do this yourself. and ideas how to modify, etc etc.  although, building a home yourself from the ground up tends to be time consuming - this project took five years.

so then we start looking into sustainable homes, small homes, homesteading, etc etc etc and we find the most amazing stuff!  and BEAUTIFUL.  

i fell in LOVE with this small, two bedroom, dime sized, amazing little house:

http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/products/whidbey/#ad-image-0

that we could "build for ourselves" for under 42,000.  or that we could have built though the cost increases drastically.   either way, it pays for itself in the amount saved on heating and cooling, electricity (there are solar options), water usage, etc etc etc.  and its BEAUTIFUL!

we dont want a 'starter home' only to upgrade in five years (unless you count our little matchbox house as our 'starter).  we dont want to flip property or refinance or think about resale value.  we want - a settlement.  something that we will cultivate, use, and nurture for our whole lives and then leave behind for our child(ren) to do the same, if they so wish. 

i think our ultimate goal that we are working towards is to find a really beautiful piece of land that we want to live on, homestead on, and enjoy forever.  my 'dream' is to put one of these amazing, small, perfect matchbox houses on it and live in that while we slowly work on building our dream home from gathered materials as time and money allows.  kind of like the above image.  

then, when all is said and done, we have our dream home with geothermal heat, rainwater recycling, solar energy, sustainable produce (and who knows, maybe chickens and cows), beautiful land, etc. AND an adorable, QUALITY, efficient 'carriage' or guest house for when people come to visit, or for bella, when she is older (maybe college, if she goes to school close to home) or if she ever returns to the nest - we have space for her.  or to rent out! or, lets be realistic - for me to use as a 'getaway' slash 'writing space' slash studio.

the deeper we delve into all of this, the more we find.

we aren't crazy.  there are (and have long been) other people like us who want sustainable living (www.smallhouseliving.org), who dont want to conform to the 'new american dream' lifestyle.  yes, my husband works and will continue to do so, but i am finding that i am happier and (more importantly) healthier as a housewife and 'stay at home mom' - who is also a writer, photographer, and dabbling musician.  also, cook, crafter, homeopath, aspiring herbalist, beginner furniture maker and all around earthy-witchy-gypsy-boho-artist-mama.

(and really, i cant get enough of these little houses:

http://pinterest.com/marianp/small-and-prefab-houses/)

and these (ok they arent all tiny but they are BEAUTIFUL!)

http://rosschapin.com/Plans/Houses/1plansHousespage.html

and, on that note, i think im going to call this a wrap.

xo.

  m.

journey.

we never know where the road laid at our feet will take us.

from here to there, to back again.  i couldnt have ever predicted.  just as one cannot always predict what one needs.  wants.  or will have.

i would have never guessed what the last year and a half would have brought me to, and through.  i could not have imagined any of it.

the last eighteen months have been a range of events - some wonderful and some tragic.  and each with its own purpose in my life; in the universe.

days have gone by where i have wept and wept, missing my grandmother, a woman whos heart and soul were like life to me.  a woman who inspired me, comforted me, taught me, believed in me.  on these days, i have begged the universe to return her to me, it wasn't fair,  i wasnt ready to lose her.

and yet, i know that though i may not have FELT ready to lose her, the universe was ready to take her from this place to the next,  SHE was ready to go, and all of it had meaning, even though i cannot always see it.

i have learned a lot as a result of that loss - a lot about myself, my mother, my sister.  a lot about what matters to me, and what doesnt.

although, at first, i shrank from it, now i have grown in my grief to a stronger, wiser, older self.

somewhere, i find myself thankful for it.  not for having lost her, but for what i know from the depth of my grief, and the grief of others...that she was a treasure, worthy of the place she holds in my heart, always.  one of my heroes... she helped make me, and i know by feeling the depth of the loss something i never took the time to articulate - in shaping me, she became a part of me, and because of that she will remain with me, always. 

i also find myself thankful, DESPITE my grief, for the fact that after losing her, i had no regrets, except that i didnt spend every day with her.  but i bid her farewell knowing how she felt about me, and knowing that i made it clear to her how i felt about her.

i count this a huge blessing in my life and also a lesson.  i never want to lose anyone and wake to find myself wishing i had said the words that were in my heart.  i want to always tell everyone how i feel, what they mean to me, how they have taught me, what they should know...and i will continue to try to live this, for the rest of my life.

its amazing what you can learn through grief and loss and mourning...i am thankful for this part of my journey.

there have been other days, many days, where i have shed tears of unfathomable, incomprehensible, almost unbearable, world changing joy - looking at my life and seeing this perfect little angel who has become a part of it, something i created with the love of my life and then that creation superceeded any love i have ever felt, any joy or pride i have ever known, any blessing i have ever recieved.  some days i look into her big, bright blue eyes, plant a stolen kiss on each cheek, and, laughing as she laughs, have to just ask myself - how?

how could this have come to be?

how does perfection like this exist?  how am i so lucky to have love like this?

i feel like the favor of god and the universe is shinning down on me, like a visible gold light.  like there is a chorus of angelic song follwing me wherever i go, announcing to the world that i am the most favored of anyone in the world.  i must be, to feel this kind of love.

some days i watch her play and think - is this real life?  is that my child, sitting there, playing with toys and seriously scolding the puppy?  did that life start inside of me? that child sitting there, "reading" a book to herself, dancing, putting on hats?  is the same creature i felt kicking me, having the hiccups, and who gave me immeasurable heartburn all throughout my pregnancy this same child who i am watch "make soup" and laugh at herself in the mirror and who likes to wear my socks and her daddys hat?

some nights, while i am rocking her to sleep, especially after a long day, or a day with no nap, or a day (like today) where we got up to early and the word of the day was 'no!' i take a minute to just breathe and watch her sleep.  i take the time to notice her tiny nose, her sweet cheeks, her long, amazing eyelashes, her small hands, sometimes curled around my fingers.  i smell her sweet baby head and and kiss her, softly, as many times as i think she can stand without waking up.  i thank god and the universe in all of the expanse that it is, for the opportunity to do that, right there, in that moment.  and then pray that i will be able to do it again tomorrow.  and maybe a few more times after that.  because i know, someday, she will be too big.  she will want to be a big girl, and go to bed by herself, and go to the mall with her friends, and go to a slumber party, and have a boyfriend!! and my days of being able to rock her to sleep and snuggle, and kiss, and cherrish in that way, will be all over.  and i know there will be beauty in that growing up, in her becoming everything that she will become. i just dont want to rush it, because these last sixteen months have already gone SO FAST..

so i relish in each moment i get to spend with my baby, before she rushes off to become a young girl, and then a young woman.  i rock her to sleep as much for her as for me - i cannot express how much i LOVE that time.  it is a refuge from the rest of the world - nuzzled in her chair or in bed, in the warm and the quiet, tucked away from the rest of the world.  for her, its comforting.  its easier to fall asleep with mommy or daddy.  its safer.  sometimes, its more fun! (when we skip napping and we play instead.)  but i will admit that i have always, and will continue to, spend these moments with her selfishly.  when she was brand new, i took that opportunity to rest, to nap with her.  as time went on (when i was back to work) i continued to do it because it felt like i got to make up for some of the time i missed while i was away.  and also - i think even from the beginning - i have learned, and continue to learn, in those times.  i have learned to slow down.  as someone who has always HAD to be going, moving, shaking, making, cleaning, building, driving, working, playing - the act of stopping, sitting, relaxing and resting has been a foreign concept.  but after my pregnancy, my body needed the downtime.  turns out, so did my mind. i have learned a lot while my little one has slept.  i have learned to listen to my heart, my instinct, my gut, my spirit.  i have learned to appreciate EVERY MOMENT - every moment of my life, of my down time, of time my baby spends asleep.  i have learned that things do not have to be in perfect order all the time, that i dont have to be DOING something all the time, to be productive.  that i actually gain a lot by sitting still, by meditating, by praying, by resting and by sleeing.  in times spent with my little miss sleeping soundly on my chest i have remembered things that are SO EASY to forget when we get caught up in the business of life and jobs and marriage and friends and family and routine and committments and things and places and more things.

i remember what the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS ARE - and they are not my job or money or school (or lack of school) or cars or brands or status or how many things i can cram into my life.  they are not my boss or my coworkers or my customers or my hobbies or my fears or anxieties.  they are not cooking or cleaning or running errands or finding a way to be perfect.  they are not facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, my iphone, or status updates.  the most important things are LOVE.  FAITH.  HOPE.  PEACE. LAUGHTER. the important things are finding yourself.  being honest with everyone.  telling people you love them.  being loved.  feeling safe. finding your spirituality and following it.  personal growth.  enlightenment.  giving.  experiencing.  FEELING.  its the bonds built with other people.  its how we behave on a regular basis.  its not perfection.  its not faking perfection. its TRYING, though, always trying to be and do what is true and right.  its trying to understand the person next to you, rather than judging them or bossing them around.  its understanding that THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT WAYS to do almost every single thing and that we should accept eachother.  things that are right for me will not always be right for everyone, they might not be right for anyone else.  and the same goes for things that are right for you and yours.  its nurture.  nurturing yourself, your relationships with others, family, friends, children, spouses, lovers. its learning what it means to care for yourself, to learn for yourself, to think and SEEK for yourself.  these things are SO important, so valuable.  and so often missed or forgotten in leiu of other things.  but, when i am in that quiet place that snuggling my precious girl allows me to be, i try to think on all of these things.  i try to focus and dwell on the beautiful things, the important things, and not let the stress or anxiety of things i cannot change effect me, take up my mental space or energy, distract me from my fleeting time with such a little girl.  i think of what i can change, and i allow the universe and god to do the rest.

i am thankful for these moments,  moments that allow me to slow down, that remind me how to breathe slow, and just to TREASURE.  there is so much peace and joy in taking time to TREASURE something, anything at all.  see the beauty in things both big:

and very, very small:

the most recent 'leg' of this journey of my life, the time i am referring to as roughly 'the last year and a half' has taught me a lot.  i have learned, and try to remember, the truth of the sentiment that life really  does go by SO FAST, not just as i am watching my baby grow, but everywhere.  we are always so anxious to get to the next step that we forget the importance, the beauty, and the growth that are all present in the NOW.  and i am guilty of it, too.  i forget to appreciate the moment, especially when things are hard.  i forget to really cherrish my family, my husband, my friends.its easy to get too caught up in stress and fear and anxiety and business of every day life that we can  forget to appreciate  the beauty around us, we forget to count our blessings.  i forget to sit and watch the sunrise.  but when i finally sat still and did...i was more amazed than i ever would have thought.

the most i have ever learned has been in one of two places - either in my stillness, or in the midst of (or directly following) my life's most difficult storms....

im learning a lot right now - about who i am, and who i want to be.  what kind of wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend i want to be.  what kind of faith i have and want to have.  what kind of legacy i want to live and eventually leave behind for my children and their children. i have learned how much i deeply value my small family, how much i rely on their support or their presence in my life.  i have learned how much i took for granted the time i spent with my brothers, with my sister and my mom, how much i gather my own strength from their strength.  how much we all have to teach eachother.  i have learned that home IS where your heart is, where your support is, where your family is.  i have learned a lot about my family over this last year and a half - how much we really ARE a family of strong, independent, strong willed, determined, and fiesty women and how proud that makes me.  i have learned things about my grandmother since her passing, and also about my mom and sister since then, that makes me so proud of them, of my family, and of my roots.  as i have grown older, and had a child of my own, i have come to a place not where i was ready to move from them, or where i needed them less, but to a place where i have come to need them more.  contrary to what i always thought would be the case, the older i get, the more i want my family near me.  and in struggling with my health so much this past year, i have needed them and continue to need them more than ever.

am i strong enough to do this without them?  yes.  could i successfully do this without them?  probably.  my mother has equipped me well. and i am determined and i am driven.  but do i want to?  no.  i need what they have to offer me.  company.  support with my tiny one.  comedy.  an understanding of my health (they share a lot of the same struggles) and what it (naturally) takes to heal me.  they participate.  we are all on a similar journey toward the best health we can have.

i hate to say that i think have undervalued the relationships i have built with strong women throughout my life.  but i think i have.  i have always felt (and been) very independent, and for some reason i thought that was supposed to mean that i didn't NEED anyone - a product of society, or perhaps my own fears and anxieties about being hurt or let down, i dont know....whatever the case, i have always tried not to NEED anyone.  but i have always  needed people, and have always been surrounded by strong, kind, generous women who have taught me so much about the kind of woman i want to be. looking around my life now, i see what i was too busy, sad, scared or sick to see the past few months - that again, as always i am surrounded and loved by strong, courageous, wonderful women - some near, some far, some ive known for decades, literally, and some i have just met - women who inspire me, women who teach me, women who support me, women who encourage me.  and i have to count myself lucky.

i am lucky for the friends i have.  i am lucky for the family (families!) i have.  i am lucky for the husband that i have, who is a whole different (blogpost) story on his own.  i have the support that i need, and the tools that i need, and the mindset that i need, to be as successful as i can. it took some serious life changes (and then more life changes) and some long days and long nights and some falling on my face to realize what i have, what i want, what i need, and what its going to take to get it all right. 

every day is part of our journey, the journey is never complete.  every step we take, in any direction, whether good or bad, is part of who we are.  it makes us, teaches us, shapes us.  all of our experiences are important.  and each person we meet along the way is there for a reason, to guide us, to help us, to teach us, to love us, or to let us be loved. 

        xo.
            m

today.

i stood at the edge of a field and watched the sunset

i felt the breeze in my hair, breathed the air of the changing seasons

i allowed myself to take a moment, a pause

to remember all that had gone before me, and all that lay behind

to grieve the losses i had suffered and to accept

the mistakes i had made

i breathed - in and out - a steady rhythm

and allowed myself to find center

to focus and listen

as my heart, my mind, my spirit

all spoke to me

as my intuition tried to lead me

there was the meadow before me, waiting for me to cross

and what lay beyond it, though still a mystery

was no longer my fear but my hope

i dug deep to find the courage to let go

i realized that i am grown; a 

woman

mother

wife

that my life choices are my own choices

and they do not belong to another

i was surprised to realize that my intuition was good

my feelings, sound.

i am strong.

stronger than i believed myself to be

theres a body of water at my feet.

i kneel to put my eye to the level of the ground

and look out

all i can see is water

i cannot see the next piece of land

but i am not afraid of being swept away

i cannot see the next destination in my journey

but i know i am going in the right way.

i have been afraid of change

but not anymore.

i will do what i feel is right

what i must do to restore my health

and be everything i am meant to be.

for too long i have held on to the sources of my unhappiness

because i have been afraid to walk away, afraid to try something new. afraid of going against the grain.  afraid of making the wrong choice, not realizing that by standing still and ignoring my instinct, i AM making the wrong choice.  i am not moving or growing.  i am repeating a broken cycle. 

today, that changes.

today, i will find the faith to move forward. to turn and head down the path that's been calling me

that's been laid out before me.

today i will follow my instinct, my intuition, and move forward.

xo.

    m.

get crunchy.

give me all of the mason jars.  my life is about to get (SO MUCH MORE) crunchy.

my last post was such a debbie downer.  for sure.  sometimes life just gets to ya.  you know?  but since then, i have seen my doctor (i will elaborate in another post, on another day, when im more focused) and things are good.  i have a leave of absence from work starting monday (but this is actually a really good thing) and i am dedicated to putting my life back together, the way i want it to be.

ive taken some time to think lately about what my life looks like compared to what i WANT it to look like, and this time off is going to give me the chance to make those the latter look more like the former.

first on the list - my health.  and along with my health comes the health of my family.  this includes herbal supplements, some medicine, some physical therapy, some massage therapy (ahh), some working out, some LONG salt baths and some resting.

next on the list - make all of the food! while i will be the first to admit (RATHER PROUDLY, actually) that little miss actually eats a lot healthier than most kiddos her age (no judgement to other mamas!), she doesnt always eat as healthy as i want her to.  part of that has been my health, part has been just giving in to our cravings and taking her with us.   but we are moving back toward all paleo, all the time! veggies, fruits, meats, seeds and nuts.  yum!  (tonight i made roasted brussels sprouts, roasted carrots, kale chips, chicken and veggie soup!)  and i (get this!) REALLY ENJOYED MY TIME IN THE KITCHEN.  wow.  i never thought id see the day, until we started on our paleo journey almost three years ago.  i learned to love cooking, i just lacked the energy to do it.  now i will get to bring those two things together.

next - REPLACE TOXINS with NATURAL INGREDIENTS - since we've already addressed the kitchen for the most part, when i say this im talking about in places like - household cleaners, toothpaste, shampoo, cosmetics - in as many ways and places as i can.  i want to be making all of our own laundry detergent, household cleaners (we already do this!), and as many cosmetics as i can including using essential oils for aromatherapy, bathing and as fragrance. and in the places where i cant (or until i find the time or find out how) to make our own, i want us to be using as many natural products as possible (also recommended by my doctor).

next - find time to DO ART.  i am an artistic person, its part of me. its my creative outlet, my 'zen' if you will.  i write.  i photograph.  i make things with my hands, sometimes i even sketch.  i just have this NEED to CREATE things.  and im trying to plug that passion into all of these other areas - food, cosmetics, household, etc - but i also want to make sure i take time to DO actual ART.  i want to paint again, i want to write (finish my book?! write more prose, revisit some old stuff, write some new stuff, keep a journal, BLOG!).  i want to TAKE A MILLION PICTURES.  i have so many ideas.  i want to see the sunrise, the sunset, the middle of the day, i want to catch it in my camera.  i want to paint people in light and keep the images forever.  i miss wielding a pen, i miss being behind the lens.  i NEED to do these things, i am committed to finding the time.

next - put my pinterest to WORK.  i have a million things pinned that i want to do, would love to do, and could do, easily.  i just dont.  usually because im sick or i work too much.  but now i want to incorporate all of those wonderful pins that are great ideas into ways to help me be more organized, self sufficient, healthy, and frugal simply by starting to do as many things ourselves as we can.

you know, there's a lot to be said about the generations before us who made most of their own foods and household items.  the health benefits alone are worth it, but there are other perks too!  the cost, the sustainability, the comfort of knowing all of the ingredients it everything you put in and on your body and use in your home, its all worth it!  and its encouraging to know that you can do it yourself! not to mention, its fun!

i mean, this is what our kitchen is going to look like:

doesnt that look like fun?  doesnt that make you want to join us in our crunchy endeavor?  it should.  

xo.

   m.

just believe, kid.

sometimes, being a grown up sucks royally.

sometimes, life tests your faith.

i guess that's why they call it faith, anyway.

i've always been able to look at my life and see it full of countless blessings, even though to another person it may not look like very much.  i have been abundantly blessed.  i have a wonderful family, fantastic friends.  i have a beautiful daughter who is the literal light of my life.

i live by the idea that money isn't everything.  that the most important things arent really things.  that everything happens for a reason.

but sometimes, i just get down.

things right now are so tough and there are so many decisions to  be made.  how to handle "XYZ" and this thing over here and this other thing too. also, you're health is proving to be a real challenge lately.  you work but you have nothing to show for it. you keep pushing hard but you keep falling flat on your face.

so. many. things.

and they all weigh on me, so heavy.

making me feel guilty, confused, and afraid.  making me feel a little (more) sick. making me feel like i dont know anything about anything. making me feel like all i do is make wrong decisions.  

and i feel like i dont want to be a grown up and i feel like a little kid all at once.

and i feel like i have faith that "it will all work out." like i always have, but i feel like my faith is frayed around the edges.  i feel like its worn thin in parts.

i feel like the one place where i should be like a child is in my faith and its the one place i dont remember how to be.

i know, in my gut, the things i want to do. the things that i think are 'right' choices, but it becomes so hard to follow that gut when i fear that i could potentially put someone out or compromise anything ive worked hard for.  THIS is where i should have real faith.  childlike faith.  the kind of faith that just really believes.

just believe.

it sounds so simple, but the older we get, the harder it gets.

thats the real lesson anyway, isn't it.  to learn to believe like a child while still having the wisdom, experience, jadedness, and fears of an adult.

'have a little faith.  just believe.'

coyote (not) ugly.

today, i was standing in the kitchen washing dishes looking out the huge single pane window into our wooded back yard.   even though its the most stark time of winter, its a beautiful view.  there are bird feeders out back that attract a really beautiful assortment of birds.  there are cardinals, blue jays, finches (i think), and a really pretty blue, black, and white woodpecker that i was watching on the tree right in front of the window.

i was feeling particularly excited to be doing the dishes.  (sometimes i actually LIKE doing the dishes.)  one, the sink is wonderful. its huge.  and deep.  which i like.  there wasnt anything particularly gross in there.  and, most of all, i was just feeling thankful to have some extra energy today and to not be feeling as achy as i have been on a pretty regular basis lately.

so here i am, standing at the window, feeling all snow white watching these birds and whistling to myself and doing my chores when out of the woods i see a blur of movement, a LITTLE bigger than a bird.

i pretty much couldnt believe what i was seeing.  in fact, it took a few seconds for it to register exactly WHAT i was looking at.

disclaimer: not my image.  not our back yard.   just a representation.

yes.  

in case you were wondering, you're right.  that's exactly what i thought too.

that IS a coyote. 

   

                        that is a coyote.

       

                                                    holy shit! is that a coyote?!

                                                                                               THAT.  is a fucking COYOTE. in my back yard.

something like that.

then i yelled for mike to look outside.

then i ran out the back door to look at it closer.  it was in the neighbors yard by then.  i howled at it.   it didnt howl back.  but it did turn and stare me in the eyes.  and, it wasnt scary.

maybe i should backtrack a little and explain why this is such an event to me.

first, we dont have coyotes on the eastern shore.  so while in the place i spent the majority of my life so far i was able to see pelicans, dolphins, sharks, fish, (a school/shoal of fish), a seal or two, deer, foxes, and wild ponies on assateague island - coyotes were something i didnt see.  

second, ive been hearing about them since we got here.  people will randomly be like, 'oh yeah i saw a coyote today when i was walking my dog. ' and i will stand there feeling like, 'what?! how can you be so nonchalant about it!?!?'

third, i open at work almost exclusively.  which means i go to work in the dark. i leave my house around 4am.   i kid you not, every day when my hand hits the doorknob my mind instantly screams at me:

'WHAT IF THERE'S A COYOTE OUT THERE WHEN I WALK OUT?!'

seriously.  every morning.  without fail.

it also doesnt help that the other night after bella had gone to bed i was sitting upstairs watching tv when i heard what i thought was a police car or ambulance going "whoop-whoop  whoop-whoop" but then, after a few seconds i realized it was not that at all.

it was coyotes, yipping. it sounded like fifty of them.  (after some investigative googling, i realized that just two or three coyotes can sound like many many more than that.)  it was a really haunting sound, but so amazing and beautiful too.

that's kind of how i felt today.  watching this animal, locking eyes with it even, was really amazing and beautiful to me.  i know it might sound cheesy, but i just find so much beauty in nature and animals and i think its really refreshing and kind of enlightening to experience nature in new ways.  the world can get so full of things sometimes - work, money, technology, disease and whatever other distracting and stressful things there are - that we, i, forget the actual physical world around me that im living in.  the sun, the sky, the stars, the ocean, trees, rain, snow, wind, air, wild animals, weeds. all of these things that sometimes are seen as "intruders" or nuisances to deal with, prepare for, or move away are actually the foundation of this technologically advanced world that we have created with all of our developments.  things like the internet, cars, and indoor plumbing. 

sometimes, when i think of these things we have built - the civilizations we've formed, the luxury we have at our fingertips, and realize they exist right next to these other things - rocks, mud, and bugs - it throws me for a little bit of a loop.  i feel amazed at both sides, the civilized and the wild and how they exist together, so juxtaposed but so close.  

as close as my backyard, even.

xo. 

   m.

winter.

its funny, what happens to your body in certain climates.

everyone warned me when we announced that we were moving outside of chicago.  they all said, 'its SO cold there.  you're going to be FREEZING.  there will be SO MUCH SNOW."

well, it turns out, we (as in, my new home) have gone something like three hundred something days without more than an inch of snow.  which is a crazy record.  the longest without snow accumulation in over seven years here.  practically unheard of.  one of the mildest winters they've seen.  unseasonably warm.

i say all of these things and it probably makes you think that the climate here, then, must not be that different.

not. true.

so everyone talks about the heat at the beach, and more than that - the HUMIDITY.  and usually people say it feels SO MUCH HOTTER.  it might be true.  it feels true.  when i spent a week in new mexico in august it was easily over a hundred degrees.  but it didnt feel as oppressively hot as it did at the beach because it was, like everyone says, a dry heat.

well, its dry here too.  but this is a dry cold.  and it makes my bones ache, my skin dry (drier than normal) and makes my nose feel like its going to bleed.  and even though there have been days over forty degrees, there have been just as many days where, while driving to work, i look at my thermometer and it reads nine.  and when i get out of the car, its still dark, and i walk around the building toward the front door and think.  holy christ, it IS cold here.  it is cold, piercing cold and dry and i might freeze and crack and turn to dust to be blown all over this windy city.

but i dont. and i pull my coat tighter and tuck my head down and keep walking.  and, like anywhere else, a few minutes after im inside im not only not freezing, im comfortably warm and content.  easy.

and then, it happened.  something changed.  something in my body.  something in the way i respond to climate.

i pulled in to work, got out of the car, without a coat because id forgotten to grab it, thinking it was in the backseat and realized that i felt - warm.  not warm like summertime, or even spring.  not close.  but so much warmer than i had been on those nine degree mornings.  comfortable even.  i pulled out my phone and and checked the weather.  thirty one degrees.  thirty one degrees and it was almost warm.

it occurred to me that this happens to people all over the world who live in climates MUCH too hot or MUCH too cold for my comfort level, with no apparent distress.  because they are able acclimate.

so, it turns out, am i.

xo.

     m.

*images do not belong to me.  search results from googling "chicago in the winter"