the ugly.

today i am feeling a lot of the 'ugly' things.

though, grief, truly isnt ugly.  in fact, its a beautiful and healing process.  a necessary process.

but today i dont feel anything beautiful about it.  i just feel sad.  and a little angry.  and, on top of all of that, wildly (and potentially irrationally) guilty.

i feel guilty about my grief, more often than not.  i feel guilty when i feel so SAD, like i do right now.  because its such a deep and all over sadness.  and i feel TERRIBLE being so sad when i have this beautiful, healthy, amazing little bundle of joy right in front of me.

granted, they are two unrelated things.  and when i look at bella, i am so happy.  and when i think about her and talk to her, i am over the moon happy.  but when im sitting at home at night, while mike is at work and im all alone, im just alone* (with bella) and my sadness.

and im not sad in a way that makes me ignore or neglect her, of course.  im not sad in a way that makes me not want to talk to her, or play with her, or hold and snuggle her (those moments are the highlight of my day) .... and trust me, we do a LOT of snuggling...but its not the same as talking to another adult.  or sitting alone and crying.

i feel like when im home alone with her i am not quite in the place where ive been cheered up, or even distracted, enough to be in a good mood.  but im not so sad that im actually feeling the extent of my grief or sadness.  i dont cry.  i just feel down.

we talk and laugh. she eats.  we snuggle.  and then she sleeps and i think about gram, and miss her.  i get teary-eyed, but dont really let myself cry.  now (finally) im starting to write again.  bella gets up and i change her, talk to her, play with her.  she lights up my life by smiling and cooing at me (its so amazing!) she eats.  we snuggle.  she goes back to sleep and im back to feeling bummed.  i try to get a few things done, but its night time.  its cold and dark out.  im sad and not feeling overly motivated.  i try to write.  to get the feelings out.  i work on my book a little.  i spend a lot of time missing my husband.

mike comes home and i feel guilty (again).  he's been so amazing though every shitty thing that has happened, and been so amazing through welcoming home our darling little girl and transitioning to fatherhood.  im so impressed.  and i feel terrible that he has had to do so much in the way of taking care of me - physically after my csection.  emotionally after my csection.  physically when i got sick.  emotionally when gram got sick and then passed (and still).  i feel like im putting him through a lot.  he tells me im being silly and says thats what hes here for.  i believe him.  i just want to feel better.

ive been saying that for weeks.  about twelve weeks, to be exact.

'i just want to feel better.'

before bella was born and my feet were swollen and purple and i could hardly walk, i just said, 'i just want to have her, i want to feel better.'

when i was recovering from surgery, trying hard to just walk down the hall in the hospital, i said it again, 'i just want to feel better enough to walk down the hall.'

when i was struggling with the 'baby blues' and didnt know how to shake it i kept saying to mike, 'i just want to feel better.'

when i was laying in bed, under five blankets, shivering with a fever and searing pain in my stomach, i said it to mike again, 'this sucks, i just want to feel better.'

and with every day that has passed, i have felt better.

after gram passed, and every sad day since, i have said the same thing, 'i just want to feel better.'

i know that its coming and im looking forward to the day that i look back and say, 'its finally getting better'  because it is, little by little, every day.  until then i am just going to keep pressing on.  keep looking at my beautiful baby girl and my wonderful husband and let them light up my life.  because they do.


xo.

m.

so much to say...

wow.

well, its been a while since ive been able to do anything with two hands.  like type to update this blog.

or make myself something to eat.

or much of anything else.

but we are getting there.


bella will be 9 weeks old tomorrow, and i can hardly believe it.  most of that disbelief probably has at least a little to do with the fact that the last 8 weeks have been absolute chaos.

there is SO much that i want to write about.  post partum life and what its really like.  my run in with the baby blues and mild post partum depression.  the passing of my grandmother.  christmas.  bella's eating 'issues' (no worries, she is healthy and thriving).  my return back to work.  vaccinating my baby.  writing my book.  what its like to be a new mom.  and, most amazingly, getting to know my wonderful little girl.

right now i dont have time.  but as bella starts to get into a routine, and sleeps in places other than attached to me, im starting to find a few minutes at a time to do a few things...and writing is one of them.

so my darling friends and family...updates are coming.  with all the beautiful and ugly details.



xo.
m.

part 1: labor and delivery.

its december 8th.

holy cow.

i can hardly believe that.

i remember sitting at home on november 17th, watching tv and playing tetris with mike.  i wasnt feeling great, i had a backache but for the first time in almost two months i wasnt having contractions.  at all.  and i started thinking, you know what, im probably never going to have this baby.

i got up around ten thirty because i was tired of sitting around all day/night not feeling good.  i walked around for a few, started cleaning the house and then just stood in front of the sink and leaned over a little to take some pressure off of my back, which was really starting to hurt.

mike came and stood behind me and started rubbing my back a little and i said, "lets clean the house." and he laughed at me - i always want to clean the house if im feeling antsy - and said ok.

and then, my water broke.

i remember just saying "ew."

mike asked me what was wrong and i laughed, said ew again, and then turned around and looked at him and said "we're having a baby."


so i called my mom to let her know, after all her 'today will be the day, i hope's, that it was FINALLY time.   when she asked  what i was doing and if we were already on our way i  told her i was going to take a shower first.  she told me that might not be a good idea and i should hurry because labor was well under way but i still wasn't having contractions and i NEEDED a shower because, like i said, ew.

so i showered quickly and put on clean clothes and off we went to the hospital.  by the time we got there i was DEFINITELY having contractions, but not like any of the contractions i'd had before.  these were only in my back, specifically in my tailbone and they hurt.  a lot.

so we got to the hospital.  i got admitted.  i saw a nurse.  i saw a doctor.  i was 2 cm dilated.  i asked for epidural.

fifteen minutes later in walks the man to stick the needle in my back.  and he had to do it twice.  the first time he got it in the wrong spot.  and let me tell you how much i didnt care how many times he had to do it, it still hurt less than the contractions.

i remember looking at him after he was finished and saying, 'i love you. i bet all the women in this bed say that to you.'

and i bet they do.

so then we just waited.  my contractions were strong and frequent.  i dilated to 4cm pretty quickly.  and then we stalled.  and it was morning.  and then it was ten am.  and nothing was happening.  so then came the pitocin. evil number one that i did NOT want.  they were hoping it would help me progress.  but it didnt.

so dr evans came in and said, 'i dont like how this is looking.  that baby is still pretty high up.  we will give it some time and then we may have to do a csection.'

enter evil number two that i did NOT want.  : /

at one o'clock dr evans came back and said, 'lets do it.' and that was that.  i was whisked down to the OR.

heading to the OR was terrifying.  i havent had surgery since i was 4 and i have a phobia of surgery as it is.  im one of those crazies who is afraid of being able to feel everything...although i guess with a csection i would at least be able to SAY if i could feel something.

there were about 15 people in the OR when we got there.  doctors and nurses.  two hilarious anesthesiologists.  my husband.  i think some med students.

from the time we got into the OR until the time bella was actually born was about twenty minutes, max.  it was so fast.

dr evans said to me right before he delivered her, 'most csection babies dont cry right away because they havent had the journey through the birth canal to force all the fluids out of them, so dont worry if she doesnt cry right away, its ok.'

then, out she came.  with a big cry and eyes wide open!  and she was perfect.  and relatively pink.  and huge.  and wonderful.  the nurse actually walked around the drape and showed her to me before taking her to get weighed, measured, etc. because she was so alert and breathing well.  they showed her to me and i remember thinking how amazing and beautiful she was.  and also thinking that she was really big and that her head was huge!

while dr evans was stitching me up, mike brought bella over to me and she was crying.  he put her next to my head and started talking to her and she stopped crying immediately and just listened to me.  it was pretty amazing.

she's the most wonderful thing.

xo.

   m.

next:  part 2: postpartum. 

insight.

'patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.'   (jean-jacques rousseau)


i imagine when i type this, or when someone reads it, the assumption will be that im saying that this waiting game is the pits but that having my little baby in my arms will make it all worth it.

while that sentiment is definitely true, this morning, my meaning is a little different.

sometimes i'll hear, see, read, or find something out of the blue that speaks to me in such a powerful way that it literally changes my whole life.  one little grain of knowledge or realization that teaches me something, awakens something in me, and somehow changes the course of my life, if only imperceptively to others - to me, its relevant and life changing.

this morning i heard something so simple.  it wasn't new information and wasn't quite ground breaking, but it struck a chord with me and it spoke to an area of my life that i have been trying to figure out, trying to make the right choices, trying to get all the information that i could.  and this little blurb of info i heard by accident, well it was exactly what i needed to hear.

and i couldnt help but have this thought:  'THAT moment, right there, needed to happen in my life.  and in some capacity, THAT is why i havent had the baby yet.'  

because, even through all my impatience, i trust the timing of the universe.  i trust god.  and i trust that things happen for a reason and in due and perfect time, whether or not i can grasp the reason behind it.  a lot of times, i cant.

sometimes, though, its like a lightbulb goes off and today i have to say, 'thank god i am on the path i am on.  and that all things lined up so that i could learn something new today that has enriched my life and hopefully, in so doing, will enrich the life of my child and equip me to be a better mother. and all of that makes me thankful that i havent had this baby yet...'

a thought i promptly followed with, 'but any time now would be great.'



xo.
   m.

the art of being patient.

i have to admit, i find patience to be an art form.

and a personal trait that i am sorely lacking.  i do things quickly.  i like things to be done quickly.  when i decide i want something, i want to go get it  n o w.  when i know something is on its way, i want it yesterday.  part of this i chalk up to just being a 'high energy' person.  part of it i blame on my job and my addiction to coffee and coffee related things.  i like to move fast.  i like using all the hours in my day for SOMETHING.  i hate to sleep.

i have always always been like this, since i was a child.  and throughout my life, there have been MANY things that have come along that have tried my patience, tested it, and taught me how to have it.

ive learned to be emotionally patient.  ive learned to be patient with others.  i have no problem waiting in lines or waiting for meals.  i can order a book in the mail and not be at the mailbox the next day, expectant.  ive learned to do these things pretty gracefully.  ive even learned to be patient with my body through all the sickness and medical problems and dieting and exercising (when it didnt work) and to keep looking, pushing, waiting, and healing until it made sense and started to function properly.

all in all, im pretty proud of the level of patience ive achieved.

but, with all that being said, im still one of the most impatient people i know.  i cant crochet anything bigger than a headband (i get bored).  i cant sit in the bathtub for more than 20 minutes.  (again, bored.) i can hardly sit still to watch a movie.  i dont have the patience required for RPGs that my friends and family seem to enjoy.  i am not the kind of person that can sit at home and do nothing all day very often...

and where my patience is sorely, SORELY lacking is when it comes to waiting for something that i really really want.

like - a new book or movie to come out in a series i love...or a vacation...or...say...a BABY!?

as if being pregnant for nine months (read: more like ten) isn't long ENOUGH...this end part is the WORST joke ever played on an impatient person.

first of all - let me tell you how weird it is to feel like time is FLYING by (is the nursery done, i cant believe we only have x weeks left, make sure we get this this and this, ohmygosh its my shower already, do we have everything we need, did we remember to do this and call them and find a doctor, etc) to coming to a complete and utter C R A W L about two weeks before the baby is due.  its a strange sensation.  couple that with my loathing for surprises and its a MADDENING sensation.

it doesnt help that the doctor took me out of work (at starbucks) 6 weeks ago because of the crazy amount of pain and contractions that i was having and we were a little concerned about the possibility of preterm labor.

now, that seems like a joke.

a cruel joke.

here we are, three days past my due date and it feels like nothing is EVER going to happen.  i feel like im going to be pregnant FOREVER.

now i know, i know.  most first babies are late.  most of my friends carried their first babies anywhere from seven to ten days past their 'due dates'.  i also know that due dates are NOT accurate as to when the baby will ACTUALLY be born, they're a rough estimate and pregnancy length is not "exactly forty weeks" its more like "roughly 280 days, give or take" - and those few days of give and take can feel like they add up to YEARS at the end of a pregnancy.  

for me, it certainly does.

i know a lot of that has to do with all of my (aforementioned) serious lack of patience.  and my excitement to meet this little girl who ive been waiting for, for 36 long weeks.  but there are some other factors in the mix that are making this feel like an excruciatingly long wait.

first - the fact that my mom had all her babies early.  at least 2 weeks early with all four of us.  so, at 37 weeks, when i was considered full term, everyone started to get antsy and expectant.  myself included.  the closer and closer we got to my due date, the more people ask me (every single day) "so, did ya have that baby yet? what's taking her so long?"  and while i SO love my family and friends, and while im asking myself the exact same thing every day, it gets hard to constantly have to say, 'no, not yet.' because its a little discouraging, just because I WANT HER NOW!!  :)  but what i have really got to try to remember (and kindly remind) is that she's ONLY three days overdue, which isn't even considered overdue at all  (no matter HOW it feels) and that i am not going to be pregnant forever (are you sure?!).

second - the fact that ive been out of work for six weeks at starbucks and going on two weeks at GPA.  i know i needed to stop working on my feet when i did, but it has really made this process seem longer because ive had less to do, espeically  since i stopped working altogether (because i have, in fact, been having "real" contractions that hurt and happen every five minutes for up to three or four hours at a time.  and because im not up to driving 20 minutes by myself or potentially being alone in the studio if i go into labor, in snow hill...the idea of that stresses me out.)  not to mention my feet are SO swollen i can hardly walk, even if i elevate and ice them.

third - having fibromyalgia.  and this is an aspect of my pregnancy i havent really talked about a whole lot. as anyone who has it or anyone who knows someone with it knows, its awful.  its painful, its frustrating, its just an all around suck fest.  however, after a lot of hard work the last two years, i have to consider myself exceptionally lucky to have found a way to manage it and i found myself in remission from most of my symptoms.  becoming pregnant changed that, little by little.  its definitely the kind of stressor that can cause symptoms to re-emerge, and it has, though i still consider myself very lucky - my morning sickness was mild, i worked on my feet through almost my whole pregnancy, i had hardly any swelling *until now*, i never felt (or hopefully acted) too hormonal or irrational, etc etc etc.  even with the awful, raging heartburn i had every single day, i figure i didnt fare to poorly on the pregnancy scale.  its only been these last two weeks that have been really REALLY challenging.  my joints ache all over, not just the ones carrying extra weight.  i can't sleep properly (yes, part of that is being HUGE and uncomfortable, but the other part is a fibro symptom).  its hard to walk or sit or stand any way for very long...and im really starting to feel a strain on my body in a way im sure most mothers are familiar with.  and then there are these few things that i think are probably less related to by mothers and more to fellow fibro sufferers.  and that makes me want this pregnancy to be over, like yesterday.  because it hurts.  and its exhausting.  i couldnt "walk this baby out" (or scrub my kitchen floor, or do any of the other things they recommend to help start labor) if i wanted to, because i cant be on my feet that long.  but if i sit too long, that hurts...

its just been a trying two weeks.  and i feel like im becoming a little whiny about the whole thing...like when people ask, 'how are you today?' ... my response is usually, 'meh'  because i dont feel good, times two, on top of all the regular excitement and anticipation and, well, impatience.

so, i hope my friends and family are not getting irritated with my blase mood or the fact that i dont really want to go anywhere and do anything, unless im going to labor and delivery to have this baby.  and i dont want anyone to think im aggravated with them for asking how im doing, or if the baby is here yet, etc etc.  i love that people care and are interested and that bella is going to be so loved and adored.  im just aggravated about how im feeling and the fact that there's little else to be done besides waiting it out - which challenges all the patience i have.  and lack.


to get me out of my funk today, mike took me for a drive to my favorite place.  my calm, centering, thinking place.  camera in tow..

and though that was hard on my body, it definitely helped my mood.  <3

xo.

   m.

b o r e d.

yesterday i went to the mall with my mom and brother and we walked around ALL day.

and it hurt and was exhausting but was fun.

today i was completely wiped out from it and didnt want to do anything or go anywhere.  i was lazy all day.  then laura came over around 4 and we hung out til about 630.

now im just sitting here trying to kill time on the computer til mike comes home at 11, before having to go back to work at 12 and work overnight.

and im just feeling antsy.

bella is moving all around and im hoping she's doing everything she needs to do to get herself into position to come into the world SOON.

my legs are hurting though :/  i sat in a chair.  i sat on the couch. (not comfortable.)  i sat in the floor until i saw a spricket, then i lost it.  so now im back in the chair.  and my legs hurt.  and my feet are swollen.  which i really cant complain too much about because ive been really lucky in that department so far (i can still wear my wedding ring most of the time!!) :D

im still having contractions pretty regularly and am hoping that the doctor has something encouraging to tell me tomorrow.

and i just got a serious craving for HOT WINGS!



and this just spoke to me tonight.

colossians 2:16-23


<3


xo.
   m.

baby bella on the way?

so, last night i started feeling crampy/having contractions around 11pm but they kind of fizzled out around 1am and i went to bed.

woke up at 9 am thinking, ugh, i dont feel so hot.  got up and started walking around and started having all kinds of contractions.  but they were irregular and i couldnt time them.  so i took a shower and decided that for as bad as i was feeling, i probably shouldnt drive myself to snow hill and sit in the studio all alone, in case i was starting to go into labor.

i pulled out my yoga ball and sat on that for about two hours, watching tv.  my back started to hurt.  contractions kept coming and going, still not regular.  then i had three, fifteen minutes apart.  and started having all kinds of pressure.

so i called the doctor and they told me to come in and get checked out.

so i did.  im about 50% effaced but not dilated at all yet.  which basically means, bella could show up ANY time but there's no telling when.  so now im sitting at home on the couch, still having contractions, and just waiting to see what happens.

hopefully this means that bella is on her way in the next few days!!

its crazy. and its starting to (finally) feel real.  like, woah, this is actually happening.  we are actually about to have a baby.  like, any minute now.  any day/hour/minute could easily be our last before officially becoming parents.  its so wild and still surreal.  its a little scary and a little intimidating.

and then on the other hand we are so ready and excited and (starting to get) impatient i cant fathom waiting one more minute to meet this little girl!



hopefully i wont have to wait very much longer.



xo.
    m.