growing pains.

so. im here. in st. charles il.  my things are still (mostly) in boxes.  my heart is broken and optimistic both.  the sun is setting and tomorrow is thanksgiving.

this is a very hard thing.

i miss my mom and sister so much more than i thought i would this quickly.  i think the missing comes so quickly because tomorrow IS thanksgiving, my first one without gram.  and because i know that, right now, im not going home.  this IS home now.

and i am so thankful for that.  i am thankful for the welcome, and the support, and the love we have been given on both sides of the trip.  i am thankful for the immeasurable amount of support, too.  again on both sides.


but right now my heart is aching.  


growing pains always hurt the worst.


<3 p="p">

xo.

m

some days...

some days are happy days. some days are calm days.  some days are chaotic days. some days are beautiful days and some days are dreary days.

some days are everything days.

the last few days have been a serious physical, emotional, and mental challenge.  for most parts of the last few days, its felt like complete chaos.  like my life was unraveling.  with moments of goodness mixed in.

but today, today i finally feel better, back to myself, a little more normal.  i feel like the overwhelming largeness of my circumstance, of all i have to do, of all thats on my shoulders, of all thats happening in my life, had caught up with me and i had a really really challenging few days.  lack of sleep didnt help.  other emotional moments, like grams birthday, didnt help.

when people said to me, 'moving away is one of the most stressful things you can do in your life.'  i thought, i dont know, ive been through a lot of stressful things.

now, i think it might  be true.

you live, you learn.

inspired.

ive had a sad day today. ive been thinking about gram a lot lately, really missing her, and thinking about how tomorrow is her birthday and though i know she is gone, i feel the loss, the lack of her, its still really surreal.  i cant help but wonder if it will ever feel different.  the pain is less, but most days, the sadness is not.

but, all this thinking of her really got me thinking of other things.  i started thinking about the actual process of all of this.  of all the losses the last year has brought.  and rather than dwelling on the sadness of those things, i found my mind wandering instead to  what helped me through all of these things.

and that really brought to my attention what a wonderful, beautiful network of girl friends i have developed.  and how lucky i am!  how strong that support system has been though all of the trials of the past year and a half.  and maybe im getting nostalgic because tomorrow is grams birthday.  or because im leaving soon. or because my baby is about to turn one.  whatever the reason, i just couldnt help but think about it and be thankful.

when i miscarried, my friends and family quietly, gently, rallied around me.  the comforted and soothed me.  they brought me dinner.  they told me it was ok to be sad and feel lost and that i didnt have to be fine or brave.  when i had a csection with bella, and struggled through the baby blues, my family rose to the challenge of convincing me that i was capable of being a good mom, even when my physical limitations because of the surgery left me feeling less than.  when i had complications after my surgery, my friends lent me a helping hand.  when gram passed, faces i hadnt seen in a while reappeared to offer sincere condolences.

as ive walked through the grief and anxiety that this past year has brought ive found myself faced with more self doubt than ive known what to do with.  had you asked me before these trials if i was confident and strong, my answer would have easily been yes.  had you asked me after, i would have simply wept.

but now, i see that the brokenness i felt (and sometimes still feel) did not and does not negate my strength and should not drain my confidence.  and part of why i can see that is because others have seen it in me. 

for years, i have prided myself on being strong.  stoic.  unwavering. capable.  and though i could find beauty in my own private brokenness and could pull valuable lessons from those times, i did not ever think of allowing anyone else to see my pain, my doubt, my fear.  i could see no use or beauty in that.  though i never claimed to be perfect, or have it all together, i refused to be broken in the eyes of those around me.

this year i have learned there is a whole new kind of beauty in brokenness.  when you are broken before those that you love, that love you, and that care for you, everything changes.  a new level of trust is earned and the love between you, even if you thought it was as great as it could be, grows greater.  deeper.  safer.

i have found myself cared for, thought about, respected and understood more in my weakness than in my strength.  and i count that such a blessing.   even in my sadness and grief, my fear and anxiety, i am celebrating right now because i really truly am SO incredibly lucky to have the kind of women in my life that i do. 

i know that this is the second blog post in a row where i am rambling on about how lucky i am, but its really how i feel.  despite being sad and missing gram.  despite being stressed about money and anxious about moving.  i am celebrating my wealth today! because i am rich in companionship.  real, true, valuable, inspiring companionship. friendship. love.  

i am lucky.  and blessed.  and fortunate. and wealthy.  and every time i miss gram and feel sad and empty, i want to think of this - she would want me to think of this.  to open my eyes, look around, and take in my blessings.  to seize every opportunity i have.  to move forward with my life until i am where i want to be.

so today, instead of dwelling in my sadness, though i cant promise that wont come on the next wave, i am going to count myself blessed and be thankful for all of these things.  and for gram.  and tomorrow im going to celebrate her birth , and her whole life, which so deeply impacted, changed, and shaped mine.  on my birthday she got a fortune cookie that said, 'a special child will soon enter your life.'  but SHE was  special in MY life.  

i love you, gram.  happy birthday.  i miss you to the moon.  <3 p="p">

xo.

m.

not worth the words.





















buzzkill evening. 

lucky!

when all is well, and everything is good, i count myself lucky.  in the midst of trials, i count myself lucky.

lucky to have my friends, my (growing) family.

lucky to have such a wonderful, kind, patient, supportive, smart, handsome  husband and brilliant, happy, healthy, beautiful, joyful, hilarious, precious baby.

lucky to have my health - despite struggles.  to  have soundness of mind, ability to hear, see, taste, feel...experience.

lucky for my job(s), which provide income, experience, fellowship, love, creative outlet.

lucky to have had each of my past experiences, good and bad.  they have molded me.  i count the trials as blessings - i have learned SO much.  i count the blessings as greater blessings, i deserve nothing, expect nothing, but have so much.

i am lucky amid my current trials for what they are giving me - new perspective, new opportunities, new relationships.  new life lessons.

i am lucky to have the faith that i do.  the trust in god and the universe that keeps me grounded and calm, gives me hope and direction.



i am lucky in a million ways!

kindness and love.

for years, this has been one of my favorite quotes.  the other night, it showed up in my fortune cookie:

'we judge others by their actions, but judge ourselves by our intentions.'

that has resonated with me since the first time i heard it and i try to let it heavily influence my life.  i want to keep that in my mind when someone hurts or wrongs me - that there is (always) more to every action than just that action.  there is intention behind it, and sometimes the action and the intention are not the same.  sometimes someone means well, but execute poorly.  for any number of reasons. . . .sometimes thats hard to remember.

remember.  everyone is human.  with a life.  a family.  thoughts, fears, ideas, dreams.  everyone WANTS something, needs certain things - acceptance, love, approval, support - its different from person to person, but only slightly so.  try to operate and REALLY treat others the way you want to be treated.  you may not always get treated the way you want to, but rather than letting that make you hard and bitter, let it inspire you.  say to yourself, i dont like it when people treat me with impatience, cruelty, selfishness, rudeness, disregard, disrespect, or as if they see no value in me, so i will not act in a way that can or will make people feel that way, even if those same people treat me poorly.

i wont say these things make you a "better" person, but they will make  you a better feeling person.  a happier person.  a person more approachable, with more self confidence, with more contentment and less anxiety, a person with more peace.  a healthier person.


be patient - sometimes the wait is relevant.  sometimes its not, but still unchangeable, so accept it and be content rather than agitated.

be kind...not just polite, but out of your way kind.  to strangers AND friends.

be UPLIFTING.  people need to hear when they are doing a good job, and should be told; deserve to be told.

everyone has doubts and fears and scars, just like you do.  remember that before judging them.

you will NEVER please EVERYONE and you have to do what is RIGHT for you, regardless.

every good thing that has been given to you is a blessing, not something youve earned.  likewise, every tragedy has been exactly that, not something you deserve.

realize the world owes you nothing.  and people owe you nothing.  you have what life has given you, and what you have made of it and are working to make of it.

don't wallow.  face the things that are the causes of your unhappiness - change anything you can.  accept what you cannot.

extend grace to others.

be forgiving.

do not guilt anyone to influence them.


find a moment to be still at the end of every day and turn your face to the things that make you scared, angry, frustrated, unhappy, anxious, and lacking peace.  ask yourself WHY?  and if it is fair and honest. are you angry because youre sad?  are you frustrated because something isnt going your way?  is there anything you can do to change it?  are you trying to bend another person to your will but it isnt working?  let go of that frustration because it is unfounded and unjust to try to control another persons life. are you disappointed, lost, stuck?  is there anything you can do in the moment to change it? the next few moments?  the next day?  few days?  month?  work towards it or let it go.

make decisions confidently.  stand behind them.  if you find, later, youve made a mistake, own that confidently, apologize, make amends.  right the wrong the best you can.  learn from it, grow from it.  leave the guilt behind.

be kind to each other.   love one another.  



xo.
   m.

from the eastern shore to the windy city.

in just a few shorty weeks (about 7) mike, bella, atreyu and i will be packing up and heading about 900 miles west to live in st. charles, illinois.

i have to admit, its a really bittersweet thing.

while im super excited about experiencing new things - people, places, family!  i am also SUPER sad to be leaving my home; my heart is here, and will remain to be so.

but we need a change.  for our finances, our marriage, our little one.  we need some new opportunities.  we need a different work environment.  we need a different kind of support system.  we need to be able to see each other, sometimes, and to reconnect.  i need to work a little less, and a little differently.  and he needs the opportunity to work more, in a better (and better paying) environment.  i need to be close to my (wonderful, amazing, alternative medicine practicing) doctor to get my life and health back in order.  he needs a chance to be close to his family.

im excited about being in a new area, with new and different things to do.  im excited about winter weather.  im excited about being closer in proximity to my (other, long lost) sister and having the chance to meet her again and reconnect.  im excited to get to know my illinois family.  im looking forward to all kinds of things.

but i am sad too.  im going to be leaving a huge piece of myself here.  my family, my friends.  being away from my small, close knit family, and thinking that bella may not immediately recognize the family and friends who have always been my *only* family and friends breaks my heart - but i know we can change that with visits, pictures, and skype.  im sad over leaving my best friend and heart - the idea literally shreds my insides...  but i know that no matter how much time passes (it wont be much) or how many miles are between us, we will always always be inseparable.  we will always be best friends.  we will be seeing each other soon...  as soon as i convince her to move to chicago too!

its all very exciting, scary, overwhelming, sad, and great!  i think that this is going to be a great opportunity.  i think its going to be a lot of fun.  i think ill be homesick.  i think ill miss the beach.  but i am confident that we are making the right choice - for us - and thats really all that matters.

i am going to miss *my* starbucks, but i have been missing my starbucks for some time.  its time to move on to something new.

im going to miss my old friends, and my newest friends.  im going to miss my little town.  im going to miss my house (a little).

im SO going to miss the studio and the wonderful ladies of GPA who i have come to love like family!  more than an amazing job, wonderful opportunity, and invaluable education - these ladies are like sisters to me!  its hard to leave that behind.  but it gives them somewhere to road trip!

but im glad to be setting out on this new adventure.  im happy and looking forward to a new chapter in my life and in my marriage!  im actually glad to be moving away from the eastern shore and "getting out of ocean city" like ive always talked about.  and who knows what the future holds?

im just glad that, no matter what, ill still always have this place to call home.  <3 p="p">


xo.
   m.

one year.

has it really almost been a year already?

this has been the happiest, saddest, most challenging and beautiful year of my life.  it really has.  my daughter is almost a year old.  how did that happen!?  where did the time go?  gram has been gone for almost a year.  it doesnt feel like it, and  yet, every single day feels like a lifetime without her.  and sometimes i almost forget that she's gone.  

this year has led me to new places, and there are even more new places in my future...

welcome, autumn.

as I'm sure is obvious to any reader, i love autumn. i love the cool, the crisp, the crunch. the crackle of fire and the wafting swirl of hot breath in cold air. i love the freshness. i love the stillness after the chaos of summer.

autumn, in ways mentally emotionally physically and spiritually, changes my life.  the stillness of the season resonates with me, draws me to a quiet place.  causes me to be still and sllows me time to reflect on all the things I've been trying to outrun in the summer months.

this year, as most years, i breathed a heavy sigh of relief when the first cool day dawned.  the time is coming.  "there's healing coming" my spirit resonates.  there's change coming too.  so much change. as always, i am so excited and a little afraid.  as always, i am looking forward to finally having a moment to work through the chaos of this past year. to let some wounds heal and to grieve losses I've suffered.

so welcome autumn, you will find yourself well received and embraced here.

back to reality.

finally, labor day has come and gone.

finally, we get to live in a normal town.  well, for a few months anyway.  then the ghost-town-ness will set in and it will be desolate until april.

work was S L O W this morning.  and i couldnt be more excited.  oh, autumn.  ive missed you.

there's a big update coming.  now that i have time to write!  :)

catch up.

so, its summertime.

hence the reason ive hardly written a thing.

its hot.

really really hot.

both town and work are busier than ive seen in a few years!  

there are lots of things in the works with me and starbucks...

bella is doing wonderful!  growing like a weed!  it amazes me every day the new things shes learned and learning.


did i mention its hot?




xo.
 m.

losing. losing. lost.

there is a hole inside of my chest.  gaping; wide open.  i cover it with skin and bones, but it is not closed over. it has not healed.  its a place full of missing pieces.  pieces of myself that have gone away.  their memories, like whispers, brush across my skin.  carried by the gentle breeze of a 'just so' sunday evening, when the sky is burning orange and everything looks golden.  i can't help but shiver, remembering, feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting these memories so vividly that sometimes i turn to look behind me because i am sure that 'you' are there.  


i dream a lot, of faces that i miss.  friends and lovers that ive spent too much or too little time loving.  too much or too little time mourning.  they find a new home with me when i sleep. in a sense they are never really gone.  and this makes it hard to tell if that's better or worse.  perhaps forgetting would hurt less, but would it change me somehow?  would the impact of all of these be erased from me, if their ghosts were to go?


ive given my heart away, more than most.  a piece here.  a piece there.  so many pieces of myself feel scattered. sometimes those pieces call to me, and i ache for them.  i long to bring them back to myself.  to fill the hole.  to quiet the phantoms that remind me what ive lost. 


the transition from spring to summer is the most haunting time.  the time when i remember all my losses and wonder if it could ever be any different.  the time when i wish i had done things different, at least i think i wish i had,  but then i ask myself if i really mean that...and  i know, most often, the answer is no.  how could it be?  there are bridges burned and bridges crossed, sometimes to places where i can not follow while in this life. and other places i would not want to.  paths id rather not explore for fear of where they'd lead; others for fear of where they wouldn't.  regardless of what i wouldnt change, it aches the same, either way.
















- - and now i'll miss you, too.   always. - -




xo. 
       m.

the summer season.

ive never loved and hated the start of the season so much.

things are kicking up at starbucks and at GPA

so looking forward to the summer at both places - its going to be a LOT of fun.  i am working with the best group(s) of people i could ask for and literally have two seriously kick ass jobs!!

downside: im working a LOT (thank god i have not only one job, but two, in this economy) i just feel like i never see my husband, or my baby (which isnt true, it just feels like it)

i have to keep telling myself - we are doing this (working so much, so hard right now) to further our careers.  (onward and upward!)

mike and i work opposites.  wonderful for us as far as childcare.  terrible for social reasons.  he never sees me or our friends.  (remember all this is temporary.)


upside: great co workers (read: FRIENDS).  warm weather. fresh produce.  playing outside.  taking bella to do fun things like the beach and pool!


so, here we go summer-twenty-twelve.  i think you're going to rule.

xo.
m

gay marriage. or 'marriage'. or not marriage?

ok.

i have to write about it.

ive held off. and held off. and held off.  where do i start?  its been a challenge trying to figure out exactly how to say all the things i want to say.

well, tonight i got a lot of it out.  and felt like i could keep writing for hours. or days. who knows.

a friend of mine put up a status on facebook talking about north carolina.  it got 95 comments.  at one point i quoted someone saying, "(he said)'if youve never had the right to get married you're not losing anything, you're just not gaining.' (i said).... i think this is a huge part of the problem in the way that people think about the issue."

he thanked me?

i think he misunderstood.

and then the whole debate turned into arguing if jesus existed and about two people of the same sex cant get married because marriage is defined as a holy union between a man and a woman (semantics). and finally, i just couldnt take it anymore.  and i wrote a really lengthy response.  and i want to share it because i feel like i did a pretty good job finally putting down in words how i feel about the arguments and the issue.

not to offend anyone, but i think that this conversation is a good example of why its so hard to move forward on this issue.  what starts off as a conversation about gay marriage and whether or not two people of the same sex should be "allowed" to get married  and whether or not they "deserve" the same rights as people of the opposite sex when they get married...ultimately turns into an argument about religion and whether or not jesus existed...but to the issue, it doesnt even matter if he existed or not.  

regardless of what you or i or anyone believes to be true about jesus, its not relevant to the issue as far as our GOVERNMENT is concerned.  there is a reason we have (tried) to separate religion from our government and our laws.  its because you cant apply one religion('s beliefs, rules, definition of what is 'holy') in a religiously diverse country.  it doesnt work, and it isnt working.  whether or not same sex couples should be allowed to get 'married' has nothing to do with whether or not jesus existed.  when it comes to civil rights, its simply NOT FAIR, nor does it make any sense, to LEGALLY apply religious rules/beliefs/expectations to people who dont ascribe to said religion. . . and that's exactly what this is. 

 if you want to talk about the definition of marriage being a 'holy union between man and woman' and argue that THAT is why there is an issue with gay "marriage" then i say get out of the debate.  youre not really debating the issue, and youre missing the bigger picture. youre arguing over semantics and thats just another place people like to get hung up and argue while the real importance of this issue gets overlooked.  because  if it was as simple as the words used to define it, marriage wouldnt be a big deal to anyone.  if it was just about what you call it, it wouldnt matter.  why would you care whether or not you get married, why would it matter who else got married?  if its that simple, why does anyone even bother? if youre argument is that they cant get "married" because marriage is "this" but civil unions are ok with you...and that was REALLY what you thought, you wouldnt even bother to argue.  

you want to talk semantics?  fine.  in a HOLY institution (church), can a same sex couple get 'married'? probably not.  because that goes against the beliefs of the church. and thats fine.  a church/religion can set whatever rules they want, and if you believe in it, participate.  if you dont, dont participate in that religion.  but to this situation, it's irrelevant because thats not the point.  its not about whether or not you can have a same sex catholic wedding.  no one is arguing that.  supporters of same sex marriage are not petitioning churches to hold weddings there. 

but should a same sex couple be allowed to get 'married' under the law, if that law is governing things like taxes and rights to things like children, medical decisions, property, shared income, etc and that same law should have no religious strings attached.  yes, of course they should, and if the definition of the word is whats holding up the situation, change the definition, because a state separate from the church should have no say in 'holy unions' anyway. 

what happens if you take religion out of it?  what happens if you REALLY separate church and state?  if you can pretend for one minute that religion doesnt exist, that there is no bible saying its a sin, that there is no 'holy' part of the legal definition....where would the law be?  how would we justify keeping it from being legal?  i know there will be arguments from certain people that they 'cant imagine god doesnt exist.' or that you can't pretend there is no bible,  and i understand that for YOU, in your personal life, you cant imagine that.  but you have to know that there ARE people who dont believe the same thing you do.  and those people cant be expected to live under laws that are governed by something they think is make believe.  just like we wouldnt be expected to happily go along with it if all of a sudden the government started basing laws that affected your whole life, your rights to property and shared health insurance and taxes, on fairy tales.  it just seems really silly to me. 

this issue isnt about whether or not jesus existed.  and its not about semantics and what words you use to define marriage.  its about civil rights and whether or not its right and just to deny this person the right to something (whether or not they had it before) that this other person has always had.   i challenge someone to argue against same sex marriage from an atheist perspective, without strictly arguing semantics or looking for other ways to win the argument that have nothing to do with the REAL issue at hand. 

because that would be a new argument to me. 

tell me why my husband and i have the right to be 'married' and my friend and his boyfriend dont. . .this is real stuff and these are people's REAL LIVES - people who you dont know.  people you could pass on the street and you wouldnt know if they were married or not, and you wouldnt know if they were married to someone of the same sex (race, religion, political party, book club, hometown, whatever) or someone totally different from them.  and it whoever they were or werent married to, it wouldnt matter.  it wouldnt affect your life at all.  but it matters to THEM and their lives and their happiness, just like your same-sex-christian marriage matters to you and in a big, real and serious way.  

IT ISNT ANY DIFFERENT. 

who are you to undermine that based the wording of the definition?  just because a law or definition was written in the past doesnt mean its right eternally or that it cant or shouldnt be changed if and when it is found to be flawed.  in fact, words and their means have changed and will continue to change throughout history.(etymology: the study of the history of words, their origins and how their form and MEANING have changed over time.)  

and to be clear, earlier when i quoted bill, britt was right.  it wasnt a compliment.  that way of thinking is what keeps things (laws, countries, civilizations) stagnant, even if they arent working or are hurtful, damaging or wrong.  thank god that the civil rights activists of the past didnt think that way.

and that was that.  because that is how i feel. it doesnt matter what you believe about god.  because this isnt about you. 

xo.

   m.

its been a while!

wow.

so, its been almost two months since ive written anything substantial here.

i wrote about the mass in my stomach.  it has since been discovered that it *was*fluid, a result of my csection.  a seroma, they call it.  they were going to drain it but it started to clear up on its own and now its pretty much gone! great news!  i feel much better.

i go to the rheumetologist on monday to get officially diagnosed with, well, whatever it is they are going to diagnose me with.    i suspect lupus.  we'll see.

ive been back to the gym (yay!) ... but only once so far.  still working out my schedule so i can find the time.

ive also been back in the studio (YAY!) and am very excited.

hopefully after the next week or so my schedule will be pretty regular and ill be doing the starbucks thing, the gym thing, and the studio thing in a pretty consistant pattern!

birch's produce is open again.  that means summer is actually right around the corner.  it also means it becomes so much easier and more affordable to eat fresh and healthy and local.  as much as i hate to admit it, the super walmart helps too.  im not the biggest fan of walmart as a company, but i appreciate the beautiful new store and have to take advantage of their great prices.

anyway.

bella is eating solids, rolling over, trying to crawl, sitting up unless she is trying to stand up which then makes her fall backwards.  she is so fun and so happy.  she goes to bed between 645 and 830 and is usually pretty happy about it.  she sleeps really well but still gets up to eat (because she still doesnt eat enough during the day), but i think that will be changing soon. she just started eating 5-6 ounces per feeding (she was only eating 4).  she drinks water out of a cup.  she grabs for things.  she grabs for people.  she loves her daddy!!! and her aunt bri, gigi, and her uncles trev and josh.  she loves her puppy and she loves showers and videos and pictures of herself.  she is making new sounds ....."ra ra ra"  she is such a little gem!

:)


we are having so much fun!


can't wait for warm(er) weather and to take bella to the pool! :)



xo.

m

under the knife again? ....maybe.

so, i have a lump in my stomach.

or a mass.

or something.

its pretty big.  it hurts a lot.  i have a lot of abdominal pain.  some swelling/bloating.  nausea.  indigestion.  its been going on for a few weeks and i didnt really think anything of it at first.  then it just got progressively worse for about a week and finally i said, ok, i have got to go to the doctor.

so i did and he checked me out and said he thinks it might be an abcess.  (gross).  and that i may need surgery to remove it.

he put me on heavy duty antibiotics (which make me feel so sick) and sent me for blood work and an ultrasound, both of which i went and had done yesterday.

the ultrasound felt like a joke.  the woman wasnt very nice.  she didnt speak to me really at all.  she didnt scan the area that was the most painful.  and, as seems to be a recurring theme in my life, she couldnt find my uterus?!  i know, weird right?  the doctor told me the same thing at my first ultrasound when i was pregnant with bella.  beats me.  i know i have one.

she obviously didnt give me any results, so now im just waiting and choking down these antibiotics and hoping that we find an answer and that i dont have to have surgery again.  because id really rather not.

part of me thinks this may be the same thing that sent me to the hospital when bella was only 3 weeks old which they told me was an 'infection' even though they found 'something suspicious' on my left ovary but couldnt see it well because my uterus was too big still.  (gross).  they had no problems finding it then.  thats my life, my uterus is either too big or too small, but never just right.  haha.

ive been having these symptoms on and off since bella was born and i kept thinking, 'oh its from the csection, or its just my muscles coming back together, im doing a little too much at work, blah blah blah...' but now its obvious that its something more than that and there is no denying i need it fixed, whatever it is because its really starting to hurt/bother me.


here's hoping i get some results today.


xo.

m.

bella!

bella will be four months old (sixteen weeks!) in six days!  less, actually, since im writing this at night.

un. real.

she is amazing.  she DOES things now.  she tries to roll over.  she has a personality.  she laughs.  she grabs. she holds. she cries...because she is cutting TEETH!  not just one tooth, but TWO TEETH on the bottom.  what?!

teeth?  

i guess that explains all the drool:

we call these drool bombs.

they are g r o s s.

but she's so cute!

and she makes the funniest faces!

her eyes are so expressive and she has such a funny little personality growing! she is so fun!  and we are FiNALLY getting to the root of her digestive issues (hooray milk allergy, just like mama!). she is on hypoallergenic formula (only $30/can for a can half the size of the regular stuff, which was only $22 a can. ouch).  it smells like soggy cheese its.  gross.  but at least she's not spitting up ten times after every meal.

oh well, she's worth it.  ;)

<3

xo.

m

to clear my head...

there are three things that i do to clear my head.

write.

listen to music while driving.

take pictures. alone.

today, after running errands with my darling husband and freaking adorable little girl, i dropped them off at the house and went for a private picture taking drive. i was thinking of gram a lot today and was feeling pretty sad and i just needed some quiet time to think, in a different way.

of course, as soon as i left the house, it started rain/slushing.

some might think that this was a total bummer.  but really, it was amazing.  i love the rain.  its my absolute favorite thing.  although tricky when trying to take pictures outside.  you have to be careful!

so i drove.  for an hour and a half.  stopping at random places to take pictures.  and i listened to my music super loud.  and it was awesome.  and so needed.

xo.

m.

the ugly.

today i am feeling a lot of the 'ugly' things.

though, grief, truly isnt ugly.  in fact, its a beautiful and healing process.  a necessary process.

but today i dont feel anything beautiful about it.  i just feel sad.  and a little angry.  and, on top of all of that, wildly (and potentially irrationally) guilty.

i feel guilty about my grief, more often than not.  i feel guilty when i feel so SAD, like i do right now.  because its such a deep and all over sadness.  and i feel TERRIBLE being so sad when i have this beautiful, healthy, amazing little bundle of joy right in front of me.

granted, they are two unrelated things.  and when i look at bella, i am so happy.  and when i think about her and talk to her, i am over the moon happy.  but when im sitting at home at night, while mike is at work and im all alone, im just alone* (with bella) and my sadness.

and im not sad in a way that makes me ignore or neglect her, of course.  im not sad in a way that makes me not want to talk to her, or play with her, or hold and snuggle her (those moments are the highlight of my day) .... and trust me, we do a LOT of snuggling...but its not the same as talking to another adult.  or sitting alone and crying.

i feel like when im home alone with her i am not quite in the place where ive been cheered up, or even distracted, enough to be in a good mood.  but im not so sad that im actually feeling the extent of my grief or sadness.  i dont cry.  i just feel down.

we talk and laugh. she eats.  we snuggle.  and then she sleeps and i think about gram, and miss her.  i get teary-eyed, but dont really let myself cry.  now (finally) im starting to write again.  bella gets up and i change her, talk to her, play with her.  she lights up my life by smiling and cooing at me (its so amazing!) she eats.  we snuggle.  she goes back to sleep and im back to feeling bummed.  i try to get a few things done, but its night time.  its cold and dark out.  im sad and not feeling overly motivated.  i try to write.  to get the feelings out.  i work on my book a little.  i spend a lot of time missing my husband.

mike comes home and i feel guilty (again).  he's been so amazing though every shitty thing that has happened, and been so amazing through welcoming home our darling little girl and transitioning to fatherhood.  im so impressed.  and i feel terrible that he has had to do so much in the way of taking care of me - physically after my csection.  emotionally after my csection.  physically when i got sick.  emotionally when gram got sick and then passed (and still).  i feel like im putting him through a lot.  he tells me im being silly and says thats what hes here for.  i believe him.  i just want to feel better.

ive been saying that for weeks.  about twelve weeks, to be exact.

'i just want to feel better.'

before bella was born and my feet were swollen and purple and i could hardly walk, i just said, 'i just want to have her, i want to feel better.'

when i was recovering from surgery, trying hard to just walk down the hall in the hospital, i said it again, 'i just want to feel better enough to walk down the hall.'

when i was struggling with the 'baby blues' and didnt know how to shake it i kept saying to mike, 'i just want to feel better.'

when i was laying in bed, under five blankets, shivering with a fever and searing pain in my stomach, i said it to mike again, 'this sucks, i just want to feel better.'

and with every day that has passed, i have felt better.

after gram passed, and every sad day since, i have said the same thing, 'i just want to feel better.'

i know that its coming and im looking forward to the day that i look back and say, 'its finally getting better'  because it is, little by little, every day.  until then i am just going to keep pressing on.  keep looking at my beautiful baby girl and my wonderful husband and let them light up my life.  because they do.


xo.

m.

so much to say...

wow.

well, its been a while since ive been able to do anything with two hands.  like type to update this blog.

or make myself something to eat.

or much of anything else.

but we are getting there.


bella will be 9 weeks old tomorrow, and i can hardly believe it.  most of that disbelief probably has at least a little to do with the fact that the last 8 weeks have been absolute chaos.

there is SO much that i want to write about.  post partum life and what its really like.  my run in with the baby blues and mild post partum depression.  the passing of my grandmother.  christmas.  bella's eating 'issues' (no worries, she is healthy and thriving).  my return back to work.  vaccinating my baby.  writing my book.  what its like to be a new mom.  and, most amazingly, getting to know my wonderful little girl.

right now i dont have time.  but as bella starts to get into a routine, and sleeps in places other than attached to me, im starting to find a few minutes at a time to do a few things...and writing is one of them.

so my darling friends and family...updates are coming.  with all the beautiful and ugly details.



xo.
m.