just believe, kid.

sometimes, being a grown up sucks royally.

sometimes, life tests your faith.

i guess that's why they call it faith, anyway.

i've always been able to look at my life and see it full of countless blessings, even though to another person it may not look like very much.  i have been abundantly blessed.  i have a wonderful family, fantastic friends.  i have a beautiful daughter who is the literal light of my life.

i live by the idea that money isn't everything.  that the most important things arent really things.  that everything happens for a reason.

but sometimes, i just get down.

things right now are so tough and there are so many decisions to  be made.  how to handle "XYZ" and this thing over here and this other thing too. also, you're health is proving to be a real challenge lately.  you work but you have nothing to show for it. you keep pushing hard but you keep falling flat on your face.

so. many. things.

and they all weigh on me, so heavy.

making me feel guilty, confused, and afraid.  making me feel a little (more) sick. making me feel like i dont know anything about anything. making me feel like all i do is make wrong decisions.  

and i feel like i dont want to be a grown up and i feel like a little kid all at once.

and i feel like i have faith that "it will all work out." like i always have, but i feel like my faith is frayed around the edges.  i feel like its worn thin in parts.

i feel like the one place where i should be like a child is in my faith and its the one place i dont remember how to be.

i know, in my gut, the things i want to do. the things that i think are 'right' choices, but it becomes so hard to follow that gut when i fear that i could potentially put someone out or compromise anything ive worked hard for.  THIS is where i should have real faith.  childlike faith.  the kind of faith that just really believes.

just believe.

it sounds so simple, but the older we get, the harder it gets.

thats the real lesson anyway, isn't it.  to learn to believe like a child while still having the wisdom, experience, jadedness, and fears of an adult.

'have a little faith.  just believe.'

coyote (not) ugly.

today, i was standing in the kitchen washing dishes looking out the huge single pane window into our wooded back yard.   even though its the most stark time of winter, its a beautiful view.  there are bird feeders out back that attract a really beautiful assortment of birds.  there are cardinals, blue jays, finches (i think), and a really pretty blue, black, and white woodpecker that i was watching on the tree right in front of the window.

i was feeling particularly excited to be doing the dishes.  (sometimes i actually LIKE doing the dishes.)  one, the sink is wonderful. its huge.  and deep.  which i like.  there wasnt anything particularly gross in there.  and, most of all, i was just feeling thankful to have some extra energy today and to not be feeling as achy as i have been on a pretty regular basis lately.

so here i am, standing at the window, feeling all snow white watching these birds and whistling to myself and doing my chores when out of the woods i see a blur of movement, a LITTLE bigger than a bird.

i pretty much couldnt believe what i was seeing.  in fact, it took a few seconds for it to register exactly WHAT i was looking at.

disclaimer: not my image.  not our back yard.   just a representation.

yes.  

in case you were wondering, you're right.  that's exactly what i thought too.

that IS a coyote. 

   

                        that is a coyote.

       

                                                    holy shit! is that a coyote?!

                                                                                               THAT.  is a fucking COYOTE. in my back yard.

something like that.

then i yelled for mike to look outside.

then i ran out the back door to look at it closer.  it was in the neighbors yard by then.  i howled at it.   it didnt howl back.  but it did turn and stare me in the eyes.  and, it wasnt scary.

maybe i should backtrack a little and explain why this is such an event to me.

first, we dont have coyotes on the eastern shore.  so while in the place i spent the majority of my life so far i was able to see pelicans, dolphins, sharks, fish, (a school/shoal of fish), a seal or two, deer, foxes, and wild ponies on assateague island - coyotes were something i didnt see.  

second, ive been hearing about them since we got here.  people will randomly be like, 'oh yeah i saw a coyote today when i was walking my dog. ' and i will stand there feeling like, 'what?! how can you be so nonchalant about it!?!?'

third, i open at work almost exclusively.  which means i go to work in the dark. i leave my house around 4am.   i kid you not, every day when my hand hits the doorknob my mind instantly screams at me:

'WHAT IF THERE'S A COYOTE OUT THERE WHEN I WALK OUT?!'

seriously.  every morning.  without fail.

it also doesnt help that the other night after bella had gone to bed i was sitting upstairs watching tv when i heard what i thought was a police car or ambulance going "whoop-whoop  whoop-whoop" but then, after a few seconds i realized it was not that at all.

it was coyotes, yipping. it sounded like fifty of them.  (after some investigative googling, i realized that just two or three coyotes can sound like many many more than that.)  it was a really haunting sound, but so amazing and beautiful too.

that's kind of how i felt today.  watching this animal, locking eyes with it even, was really amazing and beautiful to me.  i know it might sound cheesy, but i just find so much beauty in nature and animals and i think its really refreshing and kind of enlightening to experience nature in new ways.  the world can get so full of things sometimes - work, money, technology, disease and whatever other distracting and stressful things there are - that we, i, forget the actual physical world around me that im living in.  the sun, the sky, the stars, the ocean, trees, rain, snow, wind, air, wild animals, weeds. all of these things that sometimes are seen as "intruders" or nuisances to deal with, prepare for, or move away are actually the foundation of this technologically advanced world that we have created with all of our developments.  things like the internet, cars, and indoor plumbing. 

sometimes, when i think of these things we have built - the civilizations we've formed, the luxury we have at our fingertips, and realize they exist right next to these other things - rocks, mud, and bugs - it throws me for a little bit of a loop.  i feel amazed at both sides, the civilized and the wild and how they exist together, so juxtaposed but so close.  

as close as my backyard, even.

xo. 

   m.

winter.

its funny, what happens to your body in certain climates.

everyone warned me when we announced that we were moving outside of chicago.  they all said, 'its SO cold there.  you're going to be FREEZING.  there will be SO MUCH SNOW."

well, it turns out, we (as in, my new home) have gone something like three hundred something days without more than an inch of snow.  which is a crazy record.  the longest without snow accumulation in over seven years here.  practically unheard of.  one of the mildest winters they've seen.  unseasonably warm.

i say all of these things and it probably makes you think that the climate here, then, must not be that different.

not. true.

so everyone talks about the heat at the beach, and more than that - the HUMIDITY.  and usually people say it feels SO MUCH HOTTER.  it might be true.  it feels true.  when i spent a week in new mexico in august it was easily over a hundred degrees.  but it didnt feel as oppressively hot as it did at the beach because it was, like everyone says, a dry heat.

well, its dry here too.  but this is a dry cold.  and it makes my bones ache, my skin dry (drier than normal) and makes my nose feel like its going to bleed.  and even though there have been days over forty degrees, there have been just as many days where, while driving to work, i look at my thermometer and it reads nine.  and when i get out of the car, its still dark, and i walk around the building toward the front door and think.  holy christ, it IS cold here.  it is cold, piercing cold and dry and i might freeze and crack and turn to dust to be blown all over this windy city.

but i dont. and i pull my coat tighter and tuck my head down and keep walking.  and, like anywhere else, a few minutes after im inside im not only not freezing, im comfortably warm and content.  easy.

and then, it happened.  something changed.  something in my body.  something in the way i respond to climate.

i pulled in to work, got out of the car, without a coat because id forgotten to grab it, thinking it was in the backseat and realized that i felt - warm.  not warm like summertime, or even spring.  not close.  but so much warmer than i had been on those nine degree mornings.  comfortable even.  i pulled out my phone and and checked the weather.  thirty one degrees.  thirty one degrees and it was almost warm.

it occurred to me that this happens to people all over the world who live in climates MUCH too hot or MUCH too cold for my comfort level, with no apparent distress.  because they are able acclimate.

so, it turns out, am i.

xo.

     m.

*images do not belong to me.  search results from googling "chicago in the winter"

growing pains.

so. im here. in st. charles il.  my things are still (mostly) in boxes.  my heart is broken and optimistic both.  the sun is setting and tomorrow is thanksgiving.

this is a very hard thing.

i miss my mom and sister so much more than i thought i would this quickly.  i think the missing comes so quickly because tomorrow IS thanksgiving, my first one without gram.  and because i know that, right now, im not going home.  this IS home now.

and i am so thankful for that.  i am thankful for the welcome, and the support, and the love we have been given on both sides of the trip.  i am thankful for the immeasurable amount of support, too.  again on both sides.


but right now my heart is aching.  


growing pains always hurt the worst.


<3 p="p">

xo.

m

some days...

some days are happy days. some days are calm days.  some days are chaotic days. some days are beautiful days and some days are dreary days.

some days are everything days.

the last few days have been a serious physical, emotional, and mental challenge.  for most parts of the last few days, its felt like complete chaos.  like my life was unraveling.  with moments of goodness mixed in.

but today, today i finally feel better, back to myself, a little more normal.  i feel like the overwhelming largeness of my circumstance, of all i have to do, of all thats on my shoulders, of all thats happening in my life, had caught up with me and i had a really really challenging few days.  lack of sleep didnt help.  other emotional moments, like grams birthday, didnt help.

when people said to me, 'moving away is one of the most stressful things you can do in your life.'  i thought, i dont know, ive been through a lot of stressful things.

now, i think it might  be true.

you live, you learn.

inspired.

ive had a sad day today. ive been thinking about gram a lot lately, really missing her, and thinking about how tomorrow is her birthday and though i know she is gone, i feel the loss, the lack of her, its still really surreal.  i cant help but wonder if it will ever feel different.  the pain is less, but most days, the sadness is not.

but, all this thinking of her really got me thinking of other things.  i started thinking about the actual process of all of this.  of all the losses the last year has brought.  and rather than dwelling on the sadness of those things, i found my mind wandering instead to  what helped me through all of these things.

and that really brought to my attention what a wonderful, beautiful network of girl friends i have developed.  and how lucky i am!  how strong that support system has been though all of the trials of the past year and a half.  and maybe im getting nostalgic because tomorrow is grams birthday.  or because im leaving soon. or because my baby is about to turn one.  whatever the reason, i just couldnt help but think about it and be thankful.

when i miscarried, my friends and family quietly, gently, rallied around me.  the comforted and soothed me.  they brought me dinner.  they told me it was ok to be sad and feel lost and that i didnt have to be fine or brave.  when i had a csection with bella, and struggled through the baby blues, my family rose to the challenge of convincing me that i was capable of being a good mom, even when my physical limitations because of the surgery left me feeling less than.  when i had complications after my surgery, my friends lent me a helping hand.  when gram passed, faces i hadnt seen in a while reappeared to offer sincere condolences.

as ive walked through the grief and anxiety that this past year has brought ive found myself faced with more self doubt than ive known what to do with.  had you asked me before these trials if i was confident and strong, my answer would have easily been yes.  had you asked me after, i would have simply wept.

but now, i see that the brokenness i felt (and sometimes still feel) did not and does not negate my strength and should not drain my confidence.  and part of why i can see that is because others have seen it in me. 

for years, i have prided myself on being strong.  stoic.  unwavering. capable.  and though i could find beauty in my own private brokenness and could pull valuable lessons from those times, i did not ever think of allowing anyone else to see my pain, my doubt, my fear.  i could see no use or beauty in that.  though i never claimed to be perfect, or have it all together, i refused to be broken in the eyes of those around me.

this year i have learned there is a whole new kind of beauty in brokenness.  when you are broken before those that you love, that love you, and that care for you, everything changes.  a new level of trust is earned and the love between you, even if you thought it was as great as it could be, grows greater.  deeper.  safer.

i have found myself cared for, thought about, respected and understood more in my weakness than in my strength.  and i count that such a blessing.   even in my sadness and grief, my fear and anxiety, i am celebrating right now because i really truly am SO incredibly lucky to have the kind of women in my life that i do. 

i know that this is the second blog post in a row where i am rambling on about how lucky i am, but its really how i feel.  despite being sad and missing gram.  despite being stressed about money and anxious about moving.  i am celebrating my wealth today! because i am rich in companionship.  real, true, valuable, inspiring companionship. friendship. love.  

i am lucky.  and blessed.  and fortunate. and wealthy.  and every time i miss gram and feel sad and empty, i want to think of this - she would want me to think of this.  to open my eyes, look around, and take in my blessings.  to seize every opportunity i have.  to move forward with my life until i am where i want to be.

so today, instead of dwelling in my sadness, though i cant promise that wont come on the next wave, i am going to count myself blessed and be thankful for all of these things.  and for gram.  and tomorrow im going to celebrate her birth , and her whole life, which so deeply impacted, changed, and shaped mine.  on my birthday she got a fortune cookie that said, 'a special child will soon enter your life.'  but SHE was  special in MY life.  

i love you, gram.  happy birthday.  i miss you to the moon.  <3 p="p">

xo.

m.

not worth the words.





















buzzkill evening.